Into Your Arms
by musiksnob
Summary: After breaking up with Jake, Clare feels friendless and alone. Her new English partner, Eli, is coping with the death of his former girlfriend, his bipolar diagnosis, and the mistakes he has made. They become friends quickly and soon can't deny that they are falling in love with each other. Are they ready to let go of the past and find happiness together? AU. Eclare
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**Well, hello everyone! I've had this fic outlined forever, but I've sort of been terrified of writing it. It's gone through a ton of changes and my life is a bit crazy as I'm due to have a baby sometime in the next week or so. But right now this is set to have about 11 chapters, and while I would expect there may be long waits between chapters, I am committed to finishing it.**

**Just wanted to let you know that I posted a oneshot recently called Not So Awkward, in case you missed it. I'm also very, very close to reaching an amazing goal of mine, so if you haven't read the fic Sentimental Heart and you like this or you've liked my other fics, I strongly encourage you to give that a shot. I seemed to gain a lot of new readers (or possibly just new reviewers since so many people have given up on fic writing) when I wrote Reasons to Love You so I hope that you stick around for this.**

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_**This fic is AU and takes place when Eli is in Grade 12, and Clare is in Grade 11. They did not date previously. It fits into the currently Degrassi timeline right after Cake's break up, but a lot of things in Degrassi history will be different in this, obviously, since Eli and Clare do not have a history together.**_

**Hope you enjoy it! Please review and let me know what you think.**

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Chapter 1

_Eli_

I should have known that Mr. Betancamp was going to give me detention for failing to hand in yet another homework assignment. Bullfrog had driven me to school this morning in order chew me out for getting a phone call home from school about my lack of effort. But I didn't expect that Mr. Betancamp would make me stay for the entire detention period instead of letting me leave after ten minutes of finishing up my half-completed Earth Science lab.

Normally the detention wouldn't have bugged me but of course, today was the first time I was meeting up with my new English partner, Clare Edwards. We were supposed to meet up at the Dot nearly a half hour ago and even though I was kind of annoyed to have to work with a partner, I didn't want to start off by pissing her off. As soon as the late bell rang, I took off for the Dot, wishing I at least had my bike with me.

Two days ago, Ms. Dawes had handed back our latest essays. Unlike last year, mine had come back with a large, red "B" at the top – no effusive praise or even criticism could be found, except for one or two proofreading notes for typographical errors I had missed. I knew I hadn't put much effort into this one, so I couldn't complain about the grade, but it was just yet another example of how things had gone wrong since the play.

Last year I had been Ms. Dawes's favorite student in Grade 11 Advanced English – not because I was a kiss ass or anything, but because she loved my writing and enjoyed arguing with me in class discussions. She was the person who convinced me to take her drama class and put me in charge of writing the play. I guess she hadn't realized just how messed up I was outside of class. The anniversary of Julia's death coincided with a school dance and the combination of the weighty memories and the frivolity of the atmosphere combined with my not-yet-diagnosed bipolar disorder sent me on a manic episode where I ended up crashing my hearse. And while the doctors tinkered with meds to try to make me stable, I spent the next two months of school writing and rewriting a script to help me finally cope with Julia's death – barely coming up with a final draft two days before production began.

Even through all of that, Ms. Dawes had supported me, but when I had a very public meltdown on stage and set my script on fire, my parents finally pulled me out of school and found a psychiatrist to help me. When I returned a few days later, I learned that Principal Simpson had pulled her off Drama Club duties as a result of my actions and that if she hadn't been teaching long enough to earn her permanent status she possibly could have been fired. Now Ms. Dawes walked on eggshells around me, just like the rest of my teachers – who had only recently started to challenge my Get-Out-Of-Schoolwork-Bipolar Card.

So I was very surprised to hear Ms. Dawes bring up my name as Clare Edwards argued about the fact that she had received her first C on the assignment and assign Clare and me as English partners. "Your writing has become more and more impersonal as time has gone on…and we all know Eli has no problems writing emotions. As writing partners, you'll help him focus and he'll help you bring some life into your writing."

Ms. Dawes had stepped back to the front of the room, beaming as Clare and I glared at her from opposite sides of the room. "Just think, we could have a very special partnership on our hands…like Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes."

And to my surprise, Clare retorted, "Sylvia Plath killed herself."

I had been thinking of that response for the past two days, ever since Clare dragged herself over to my desk after class that day and set up the meeting for today to exchange our short story drafts. I didn't think a girl like Clare Edwards would have even heard of Sylvia Plath – let alone known her biography. I wondered if a girl who was all flowered dresses and headbands could sit at home reading a book as bleak as The Bell Jar and feel a connection to it like I had. I didn't really know Clare outside of class, but at the beginning of last year, it seemed like she really was Susie Sunshine. She'd smile as she raised intelligent but vaguely non-threatening opinions on the books we read and she always had a positive critique for everyone's oral reports.

I had noticed that something changed for her last year, right around when the uniforms came in. I doubted that it was the khaki that dimmed her spirit, but I had no real connection to her to find out what was going on. She was cute; there was no denying that – but as much as I found her attractive and smart, I knew there would never be something between us – friendship or otherwise. The one time I tried to approach her out of class, wanting to argue a point about Romeo and Juliet, she was manning a table for Jesus Club – some charity fundraiser or something – and suddenly the fundamental differences between us seemed too big to bother getting to knew her.

I guessed Ms. Dawes hadn't bothered to take any of that into consideration when she assigned us as partners.

I made it to the Dot in record time and sniffed my pits to make sure I didn't reek. Clare was sitting at the counter sipping a coffee in a disposable cup, looking visibly annoyed.

"Hey," I said, smiling apologetically at her as I took a seat at the next stool. "Sorry I'm late. I got detention in my last class and I couldn't find you to let you know I'd be late."

Her stony expression remained unchanged. "Next time, try harder. If I'd have known you'd be this late, I wouldn't have waited. I have a long walk home, you know."

Yikes. This was going to be fun. "Sorry," I repeated. "I'd offer you a ride, but I'm not exactly driving myself these days."

She didn't respond and I felt even worse. The waiter came over and I ordered a coffee. I glanced around, wondering if there was a friendly face in here who could break up the tension. The only people I knew were Fiona and Imogen, and while Fiona alone would be a very welcome sight, Imogen and I hadn't really spoken since the play. I noticed Jake Martin sitting at a table with two grade eleven girls that I was pretty sure Clare was friends with and I wondered why she hadn't waited with them. I'd thought I'd heard rumors that Clare and Jake were dating, but I'd also heard their parents were married so I really had no idea what to think.

"You could have sat with your friends while you waited," I said, and that was clearly the wrong response.

She sighed audibly. "They aren't exactly my friends."

Before I could ask what she meant, the waiter brought me my coffee. "Could we take this somewhere else?" she asked.

"Sure," I said confused.

I pulled out money to pay for my drink. I was about to offer to buy hers as a peace offering, but before I could say anything, she grabbed hers and jumped off the seat. "I already paid for mine."

I dropped a few bills on the counter and followed her out the door. She walked halfway down the block, moving faster than I would have expecting before taking a seat on a bench. She dug through her backpack as I joined her and thrust her short story into her hands.

"Can we just get this over with?" she asked, and at this point, I couldn't help but agree. I gave her my story and we both sat down to read.

Clare's story was a slice of life story about a housewife who cleans the house while waiting for her husband to return home from work. You could tell from reading it that she had a lot of writing talent with quite a few interesting turns of phrase. But there was an emptiness to it that I had a feeling was intentional that just wasn't working for me. I was trying to pinpoint exactly what the problem was as I continued reading.

Clare finished reading first and I was tempted to skim to the end just to find out what she thought about my story, but I stuck with it and finished going through her story.

"Okay," she said as I looked up. "This is pretty good. You've got a few run-ons and grammatical errors and I noticed a few typos. I can take this home and redline the errors and bring it back to you tomorrow."

"Okay," I said, a little confused. "Is that it?" She nodded. "No focus problems? Not too emotional or too many tangents or anything?"

"It seems find to me," she said.

It was a little bit of a relief. Once I found out Clare would be reading the story I did put more effort into it than my recent assignments and I had gotten into a nice writing swing last night as I rewrote the ending. But I guess writing a lot of mediocre things had gotten me discouraged because I almost didn't believe her. I kind of felt like she half-assed the critique just to get out of here.

"Well I have a few things for you," I said, figuring that if I was honest with her, she might feel comfortable doing the same for me. "Overall, it's really strong. You're definitely a good writer. But I felt like the main character was a bit…empty. I mean, there's no real plot here, which is fine, but then you have to make up for it with interesting characters, and she feels a bit robotic."

"She's a housewife," Clare said plainly. "That's sort of the point. She has this life where she cooks and cleans and does everything her husband expects, and that's her whole world."

"Yeah, but she must have some sort of feelings about that. Either she's resentful or proud or regretful or something. She's just going through the motions here but we don't know why."

Clare's voice broke a little as she responded. "But there are clues. Like the teakettle going off at the same time each day and how she lays out the clothes for him."

"And those are very well-written symbols, but you can't couch everything in metaphor. The characters have to stand on their own. Right now it feels a bit cliché. It's a nice story but it could be a lot stronger if it had a stronger point of view. Maybe if you wrote about something you have personal experience with it'd be easier to get inside the character's head."

Clare snorted. "Write what you know? What's more cliché than that?"

Great. Nothing I said to this girl was going to make her happy. I had thought as a writer she would appreciate actual criticism but clearly she wasn't open to my opinions.

"I just think you've got a good start, but the story needs something more."

She was practically pouting. "Well, I disagree. Not every story needs to have explosions like the end of Fight Club."

Fight Club? Could it be possible that she was familiar with my favorite author? Nah, she probably just was forced to watch the movie with her boyfriend. "The book? Or the movie?"

Her face softened a little. "Well, I was referring to the movie, but I have read the book."

"Really?" I couldn't believe a good guy like her had read such a dark, disturbing novel on purpose.

She shrugged. "I had a lot of free time this summer and I found Survivor at a used bookstore. I brought it home, devoured it in one night and then read almost all the rest of his books."

"Even Snuff?" I asked, smirking at her.

She blushed. "I skipped that one."

"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Palahniuk fan," I admitted.

"I wouldn't have either," she said. "But something about the way he writes really speaks to me." She looked pensive and took a moment before continuing. "I actually prefer the explosion scene in the movie to what happens in the book. It hit a little too close to home," she said softly.

What did she mean by _that_? Was she talking about having a mental break or contemplating suicide or having a crisis of faith? Over the course of this conversation I was realizing there was a _lot_ more to this girl than a pretty smile.

Clare seemed uncomfortable and changed the subject. "I think I'm going to bring this home and give it another look," she said, taking her essay out of my hand. "I'll try to keep your ideas in mind."

"Here," I said, taking it back and writing my email address on the top. "If you need a second opinion, email me the next draft."

"Good idea," she said. She ripped off the bottom of the last page and wrote her email address and phone number down. "In case you get another detention," she explained.

Clare stiffened and I saw her looking over my shoulder so I glanced in that direction. Jake Martin was walking toward us. "I'm headed home if you want a ride," he offered, fixing the strap of his backback.

Clare frowned. "That's okay. We're going to be a while."

Jake looked unhappy. "Fine," he said, walking away without a goodbye. I watched him get into a red pickup truck halfway down the block.

Clare was looking down at her hands and wouldn't meet my eyes. She shoved both stories into her backpack and zipped it up. "We're going to be a while?" I asked, figuring we were almost done.

"I didn't want to drive home with him," she said.

Hadn't she complained about her long walk home just an hour ago? I knew it was none of my business but I wanted to know exactly which rumors were true.

"So is he your ex? Or your stepbrother?"

Clare glared at me. "Both," she said sharply.

Wow. I wasn't expecting that. "How does that work exactly?"

She sighed. "We dated, and then our parents decided to get married, and then we broke up."

"That must be really tough," I said, trying to be nice.

"Yeah…it is," she said briskly. She stood up, grabbing her backpack. "Thanks for the writing advice. I should get going."

"Right, me too," I said, mirroring her. "I've got a long walk home too."

She gave me a brief, sad smile and walked away without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**Here's another chapter! Hope you enjoy it. Reviews are always appreciated.  
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Chapter 2

_Clare_

"Hurry up," Eli said, as I tailed him to the Dot. "It looks like it's going to pour any second."

"Too bad for you," I teased. "I have an umbrella."

He shot me a dirty look, but I knew he wasn't that annoyed. He held the door open for me and I gave him a gracious smile.

"It's packed in here," he griped. Every seat in the house was filled with students and the crowd at the counter was three people deep.

"I don't think we're ever going to get a table." I glanced around but there wasn't anyone I thought I could try to share a table with. The last few times we had met up we'd ended up on the bench down the street as there always seemed to be people hanging around that either he or I didn't want to be around, but today it seemed like everyone was a Grade Nine or Ten.

"I don't think we're ever going to get any coffee either," he said. "Maybe we should do this tomorrow?"

I shook my head. "I've got a newspaper meeting and Thursdays are attendance-mandatory family dinners. I can't get out of either of them."

"Right," Eli said, sounding a little disappointed. He thought for a moment and then continued. "We could…work at my house. If that isn't too weird," he added hastily.

"Oh…um…sure," I said.

I followed him to a nearby bus stop and we waited in slightly awkward silence. It was sort of weird to be going over to Eli's house; we'd only known each other for a few weeks. But in that time, we'd spent a few afternoons together, looking over each others' writing, and oddly enough, I'd discovered that we worked well together. We had very different writing styles but our strengths were complimentary, and after our first meeting – where I had tried to rush through a critique just to get out of the awkward situation – I had gone home and really fixed up my short story based on his recommendations. I'd started out our second meeting with an apology for being short with him the first time, and ever since things had been pretty comfortable between us.

Of course, things were much less comfortable now that we were crammed into two bus seats, pressed up against each other by the woman next to me who clearly didn't think she needed to fit all of her stuff into one seat. I shot Eli a look of apology and he just rolled his eyes. "It's fine, Edwards. I know you want to get all up on me."

I practically jumped out of the seat, but his smile reassured me that he was just joking. Fortunately the woman got off at the next stop and I was able to put a few centimetres of space between us, and Eli's stop was only a few after that.

I glanced over at the driveway as we walked up the front steps. I knew Eli didn't drive a hearse to school anymore, but I didn't see it at his house so I guessed he had gotten rid of it. I wondered if the lack of other cars meant that his parents weren't home. It made me a little bit nervous, but I knew Eli hadn't planned for us to be here, so it wasn't like he had ulterior motives I had to watch out for.

I don't know what I was expecting at Eli's house, but everything looked pretty normal. There was a painting of a fruit basket in the dining room and the kitchen table was covered with mail and cereal boxes. "We can work down in the media center," he said, leading the way to door that lead down to the basement.

"Like the school library?" I asked, following him down the stairs. By the time we got to the bottom I gasped in realization. It was a huge room that ran the whole length of the house and almost every available wall was covered with bookshelves full of CDs and records and movies and books. A huge TV took up one wall along with some very expensive looking stereo equipment. Eli took a seat on the loveseat facing the TV, smirking at me as I walked around the room in amazement, reading some of the titles on the most expansive music collection I had ever seen.

"Wow," I said. I realized the albums were sorted by genre and then artist, and noted that though I expected the Rock section would be enormous, there were almost as many in the Classical, Jazz, and R&B sections. I wandered around to the bookshelves, laughing a little as I realized that that collection was mostly made of romance novels.

"The music's all Bullfrog's – especially the records," Eli explained. "Movies are mine, and the books are my mom's."

I pulled a vampire novel off the shelf to read the back cover, raising my eyebrows as I realized just how racy it sounded. I made a mental note to check for that title next time I made it to the public library before I put it back in its spot and took a seat in a comfortable looking recliner that was pointed in Eli's direction. "I thought you were a reader?"

He laughed. "I am. I just keep my books in my room."

I liked checking out what other people read but I realized at the last second how suggestive it would be for me to ask him if we could go up to his room to take a look. I tried to cover my embarrassment by looking through my backpack for the chapter he had given me this morning.

"Alright, let me start, since I already had a chance to look this over during my free period," I said.

Eli laughed. "Couldn't wait to find out what was next?"

Eli's last short story had been such a success that Ms. Dawes had given him permission to continue it rather than doing the poetry assignment that the rest of the class had to do. "I'll admit I was curious," I said and Eli looked really pleased.

We went through a couple of line edits and Eli seemed pretty amenable to my suggestions. "And then there's the word you use at the top of page four."

"Which word?" Eli asked, flipping to the page.

I blushed. "I think you can figure it out."

He laughed. "Fuck?"

I raised my eyebrows at him and he kept smirking at me. "What's so wrong with that?"

"You can't curse! It's a school assignment."

Eli shook his head. "It's fiction."

"That you're writing for school!"

He laughed. "It's not that big a deal."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I disagree."

Eli rolled his eyes. "Come on. I bet even you curse sometimes."

"No, I don't," I said, feeling a little childish for the first time.

"Really? You've never slammed your fingers in a door? Or had someone say something really, really horrible to you?"

"I have a lot of self-control," I said. "It's impolite. There are other, better words that you can use to express yourself."

"I don't believe you," he said. "I bet you're sitting there cursing like a sailor inside your head."

"Not even there," I said, though I didn't meet his eyes. It was true that as much as I had taken my Sunday school lessons to heart and had learned to control myself even in the heat of anger, that I was somewhat less able to control my thoughts.

_Alli was a b-. Jake was a heartbreaking a-. And Eli was f- hot._

Eli leaned toward me. "It is now my goal in life to get you to let out one nice juicy curse word."

"It's not going to happen."

He smirked at me. "Challenge accepted."

I rolled my eyes at him and tapped on the essay to bring him back to the topic at hand. "I still think you should change it."

He sighed. "The character just found out that the guy who has been after him for the past five years just got out of prison. What's he supposed to say? 'Aww, shucks?'"

"I don't think Ms. Dawes is going to see it your way," I said plainly.

Eli lowered his voice. "You should read some of the stuff I handed in to her last year. This one story had a pretty explicit sex scene in it," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

"Are you serious?" I asked, wide-eyed.

"No," he laughed. "I saved that story for myself. You can read it if you want," he teased.

"I'll pass, thank you."

He smiled. "Seriously, Dawes doesn't care about cursing. She cares a lot more about character authenticity."

I shrugged. "Fine. We'll see what she says when she hands it back."

"I don't know. I got an A on the first chapter of this, and I'm pretty sure you only got a B+ on your story. Maybe I have a better idea of what Ms. Dawes is looking for."

"Maybe if my English partner was a better editor I wouldn't lose points for minor errors," I shot back.

"Nah," he said. "I get better grades because I'm dating Ms. Dawes."

He said it with such a straight face that I almost believed him for a moment until we both burst out in laughter. "Just kidding. She might have gone for me last year, but this year I'm lucky she hasn't kicked me out of her class."

"Why is that?" I asked, not sure what he meant, but Eli just shrugged.

"I really liked your poem," he said, shifting gears. "I don't think you need to change anything."

"Really?" Eli usually had lots of comments for me on my writing.

"Really," he said. "It actually kind of reminded me of something that Pablo Neruda would have written. It's a love poem but with an unusual metaphor. It's really striking."

I stared at him. "Neruda is my _favourite_ poet," I said emphatically. "That's pretty much the biggest compliment you could ever give me."

"Well it's deserved."

It was amazing to me how I'd only known Eli for a few weeks but his compliment really affected me. It meant a lot to me that he enjoyed my writing. "Thank you," I said softly.

We fell into silence and I realized we'd already finished going over the assignment. I didn't feel ready to leave though. Our twice a week meetings were such a welcome break from me running home directly after school, locking myself in my room before I had to face Jake or one of our parents. I was a week ahead on all of my long-term assignments and I had read more books this school year than ever before.

Hanging out with Eli was the only reprieve I had from my lonely, friendless boredom.

There was a loud crack of thunder outside and I jumped as the rain started pouring down even harder.

Eli laughed nervously, "I guess you can't really leave right now."

"I guess not," I said.

"You have newspaper tomorrow?"

"Yeah," I said, grateful that Eli was keeping the conversation going.

"How is that?"

I shrugged. "I like writing articles, but the editor Katie is such a control freak. If you come in with a unique idea she immediately shoots it down. And she tears everyone's articles to shreds, but honestly, the Daily isn't even that good."

He nodded. "I get it. I'd much rather write on my own terms."

"Me too. I'm mostly sticking with it because it gives me something to do. And maybe next year after Katie graduates there'll be a better editor in chief."

I thought about Grade 9 and how much fun I'd had as prop master on the school play. I hadn't joined Drama Club again in Grade 10 since most of the kids I had known had either graduated or hadn't been as involved. But now that I didn't have Jake or Alli in my life, I had too much free time on my hands, and things would be picking up for the fall play soon.

"Are you going to do Drama Club again this year?" I asked.

Eli looked surprised. "Uh no," he said. "I wasn't planning on it."

"Why not?" I asked.

"After last year's catastrophe?" he mumbled. "I don't think they'd let me anywhere near a stage."

"Maybe if you leave your lighter at home," I teased.

Eli looked up at me. "You saw the play?"

"Yeeeaahh," I said slowly. "I reviewed it for the paper."

He looked really embarrassed and didn't say anything. "Did you read my review?" I asked. "I gave it a rave."

"Really?"

"Yeah," I said, not understanding why he Eli sounded so surprised. "I thought it was amazing." A faint smile crossed his face, but he didn't say anything else. "I tried to interview you, after the play. I couldn't find you, so I had to print the article without quotes."

The small look of pride immediately slipped off his face. "Yeah, my dad took me home right after the scene I caused. And I missed two weeks of school afterward. So that's probably why I missed your review."

"I have a copy on my computer. I'll email it to you."

"Thanks," he said softly, still not meeting my eye.

I felt like this was sort of a make or break moment in our friendship. He was pulling back from me right at the moment when I wanted to know more about him. But I was so curious about all the things I had wondered about the poor tortured playwright and actor last year but hadn't been able to ask that I sewed up all of my courage.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead," he said gruffly.

"How much of the play was real?"

He laughed darkly. "Damn near all of it."

"Oh," I said softly. I had heard the rumours but I hadn't known for sure. "So your girlfriend died?" I asked as gently as I could.

Eli nodded and I wished that I was closer with him so that I could cross the room and give him a hug. "I'm sorry."

"Yep," he said tartly. "Dead girlfriend. Lost my mind a year later and crashed my hearse. Wrote a messed up play and had a mental breakdown on stage. It's all true. Fucked up but true."

I flinched a little at his language, but I knew that wasn't an argument I wanted to get into. I couldn't believe that his play – his raw, gut-wrenching play – was all based on his life experience. "If it's any consolation, your onstage breakdown was quite beautifully written and acted," I said gently. "You're very talented."

He looked up at me for the first time with a skeptical look. "Well thank you," he said. "I'll be sure to tell my therapist you thought so."

"If it's not too personal to ask…how are you doing now?"

His face softened. "Pretty good actually. After the play I was hospitalized and they finally figured out that I'm bipolar. So now that I have a diagnosis, I have ways to cope with it. Diet and exercise and meds and shit. I still have bad days, but I don't feel so helpless."

"That's good," I said encouragingly.

"If we could keep that between us, I'd appreciate it."

Who was I going to tell? But it meant a lot to me that Eli had opened up to me about his past and his problems. "Of course," I said.

Another loud clap of thunder broke up the tension and even Eli jumped a little at that one. We both giggled a little at how unsettled we were.

"Hey, have you ever seen Il Postino?" Eli asked, and when I shook my head in confusion, he jumped off the couch and sprinted to his DVD collection. "It's a fictional story but Pablo Neruda is a character in it. It's in Italian. We should watch it. You'll love it."

I glanced at my watch. It was only a little after four and if the movie was a normal length I could get home in time for dinner. And it was pouring out. "Sure," I said. He started to set up the DVD and I watched him curiously, trying not to focus on his bent over backside. "How do you know about this movie? Are you a big foreign film viewer?"

He grabbed the DVD remote and moved back to his seat. "I had this terrible English teacher in Grade 9. He would show up to school hungover at least once a week. Whenever he came in and was too messed up to teach, he'd show us a movie instead. And he had great taste in movies. Really got me into a whole lot of films I never would have seen." Eli smirked at me. "You should have read the stories I got away with writing in _that _class."

"I bet," I said dryly. I tried to turn in the chair so I could see the screen but the recliner didn't swivel.

"You should move over here," Eli said, patting the cushion next to him on the loveseat. "You'll get a crick in your neck if you try to watch from there, especially with the subtitles."

I glanced briefly at the couch that was perpendicular to the screen and wondered if I should sit there instead. But Eli was right, with subtitles it wasn't a good idea not to face the screen, so I took the seat next to Eli, trying to look nonchalant even though being so close to him made me nervous for reasons I couldn't quite pin down.

He started playing the movie and soon I was so hooked that I stopped noticing that Eli and I were sitting together on a fairly small couch. I gripped the armrest, falling in love with the characters and the language.

I was so absorbed that when Eli leaned over to me and asked, "So I guess you're liking this?" he practically gave me a heart attack.

"Yes," I said. "It's amazing." He grinned at me and turned back to the movie.

We'd gotten about halfway through the movie when I heard a door slam upstairs. Eli glanced up the stairs. "I should probably see who's home."

But before he could get up, a man who I assumed was his father bounded down the stairs. "Eli," he said in an unrecognizable tone. "And company?"

"Dad, this is Clare," he said, as I stood up to shake his father's hand. "She's my English partner. We've been working on our assignments and it was pouring too hard for her to leave so we put a movie on. Clare, this is Bullfrog."

"It's nice to meet you," I said, trying to keep my tone light and friendly. But I couldn't help but be disappointed. After weeks of working together and after the serious talk we'd had today, I didn't even warrant a "friend" Clare? Just English Partner Clare?

"You too," he said, a little gruffly. "Eli, we have dinner plans tonight, remember? We can give Clare a ride home on the way, but you'll have to cut the movie date short."

Eli sighed. "It's not a date, Dad. But that's fine."

"I appreciate the ride home. It's really brutal out right now," I said, trying to be nice in front of his dad.

"Let me see if your mother is ready. I'll meet you guys upstairs." Bullfrog left us alone and Eli stopped the DVD.

"I'm really sorry about that. Bullfrog sometimes gets the wrong idea about things."

"No big deal," I said, still a little annoyed that Eli felt it so necessary to clarify that this wasn't a date. Even though, obviously, it wasn't.

He laughed. "That's another weird byproduct of being bipolar. A year ago, he would have invited you to dinner and asked if you wanted to sleepover with me. Now being in a basement watching a movie with a friend is now a capitol offense."

"Umm…seriously?"

Eli shook his head. "Things have changed a lot. You want to borrow this?" he asked as he ejected the DVD.

"Sure," I said. "And I'm pretty sure it's more normal for your parents to discourage coed sleepovers."

He shrugged. "It wasn't in this house. I don't know. Parents are strange."

I couldn't help but laugh. My mother married my boyfriend's father after dating him for about two months, but Eli's Dad was clearly a lot weirder than they were.

He handed me the DVD. "If you like the movie, let me know. There are plenty more where this came from."

"I'll definitely take you up on that," I said.

It terrified me how much I wanted to watch another one of Eli's movies.

With Eli.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**Well, I don't have a baby yet (though I will in the next two days) but I do have a new chapter. This one is kind of set up so it's not that exciting but I promise you the story will pick up in the next chapter. Which you'll probably have to wait for…because, yeah…baby.**

**Thanks for reading.**

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Chapter 3

_Eli_

"This was awesome," Clare said as she stepped up next to my locker, holding out my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower that I had lent her. "I've been meaning to read it for a while, so thanks."

"No problem," I said, sticking it in my backpack. I double checked that I had the correct textbooks and notebooks for tonight's homework and slammed my locker shut. "I'm glad you liked it."

We started walking toward the entrance of the school together. We didn't have a study date scheduled and Ms. Dawes hadn't even given us our next writing assignment, but over the last few weeks, Clare and I had seemed to start spending more and more time together, whether there was a scholastic reason or not. We'd stop and grab coffee or ice cream together on our way home from school at least twice a week, and on two occasions when I knew for certain Bullfrog was not going to be home, I'd invited her over to watch movies with me. Sometimes she had newspaper meetings or Jesus Club and of course, every Monday I had my therapy session, but lately most of my free time had been spent with Clare.

It was really nice hanging out with Clare. As we'd gotten more comfortable with each other, the conversations had gotten a little more personal than just school assignments and books we'd enjoyed. I could tell she was still holding certain things back with me, as I certainly was with her, but with every new thing I learned about her, I'd grown to respect her more and more. In her last essay for class, she'd written about her parents' divorce and how it tested her religious faith, and even as an atheist, I could appreciate just how difficult things were for her, especially last year.

"Coffee at the Dot?" she asked, and I nodded. A smile spread over her face and I couldn't help but grin back at her.

"You know, this is the second book that you've recommended to me that I've read," she reminded me as we walked toward the Dot. "I think it's your turn to read something that I've recommended."

I smirked. "But I refuse to read anything with vampires in it. And besides, you even said you'd been meaning to read it on your own."

"I read more than vampire fiction," she said defensively.

"Yeah, sometimes you read vampire _fan_fiction as well."

"Not exclusively," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Uh huh," I teased. "I bet you've read that 50 Shades of Grey book that all the middle aged women are talking about. Or at least the Twilight fic that it's based on."

Clare's cheeks turned scarlet. "No I haven't. And I'm not going to."

"Why not?"

I couldn't believe it was possible for her blush to darken. "Because it's basically porn," she said, whispering the last word.

"Come on, Clare." I poked her lightly in the side. "We all like to read dirty stories every now and then."

"No, I don't!" she protested, a little too strongly in my opinion. Her eyes narrowed at me. "You seem to know an awful lot about this for someone who refuses to read anything with vampires in it."

I held up my hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm not the one who likes dirty vampire porn. I had to listen to Cece going on and on about how great the books are while trying not to vomit into my cereal."

Clare's nose wrinkled adorably. "I can't believe your mother tells you about books like that."

"Trust me. I wish she didn't."

"I think I'm going to make you read Anna and the French Kiss," Clare said, changing the subject.

"Yeah, that's not going to happen."

"It's the best teenage romance ever written. It's got great characters and it's not too girly or mushy. John Green loved it and you liked most of his books."

"Yeah the one where the kid gets the really awkward blow job and the funny one. Not the sappy romantic ones like the last one."

She scoffed. "You have no heart."

Yeah, I had no heart. Because I didn't want to read about teenagers dying of cancer, no matter how well it was written. Experiencing the death of a girlfriend firsthand was bad enough. But I didn't want to explain that to Clare. It was awkward enough to know that she had seen the play last year, so she not only knew about my tragic past but had witness firsthand just how messed up I was over it.

"I'll tell you what. Pick out a book where the top ten words to describe it don't include the words 'romance,' 'vampire' or 'cancer' and I'll read it. I promise."

Her face lit up and she started babbling about some dystopian book called Divergent. The description didn't sound half bad but I found myself distracted by looking at her beautiful smile. She had pushed back her curls with a flowered headband but there was one piece sticking out really awkwardly and all I wanted to do was to lean closer to her and push it back into the right place and…

"Are you listening?" Clare interrupted, and I felt my own face growing hot.

"Yeah, it sounds good. I'll pick it up next time I'm at the library unless you've got a copy I could borrow."

"I'll bring it tomorrow," she said, as we arrived at the Dot. It was really busy like usual, and she pointed to a small open café table. "Grab that before somebody takes it. It's my turn to treat anyway. Usual?"

"Yes, ma'am." Clare shot me a dirty look but went to get our coffees as I held the table for us.

Clare was waiting at the counter for a while; her fancy caramel espresso drinks took a lot longer to make than my black coffee and the new barista was really overwhelmed by the afternoon crowd. I took out my history book and started reading my assignment to give myself something to do.

"If it isn't my long-lost friend, Eli Goldsworthy." A familiar voice pulled me out of my homework.

"Hey, Adam." He took Clare's seat and I immediately started looking around for another stool to pull up with us. I didn't want Clare to come back with our drinks and think I'd forgotten about her. There was an empty seat at the table next to us and I jumped up to grab it.

"Am I interrupting something?" Adam asked in amusement. Toward the end of the last year, Fiona would often join us, but lately on the rare occasion that Adam and I hung out, it was just the two of us. Fiona and I were still on good terms but for some reason, she'd seemed to pick Imogen's side after our falling out, which was strange to me. Even though I was certainly the asshole in that situation, Fiona was my friend first. I missed hanging out with her and knew I needed to make the effort to mend our friendship.

Fortunately, Adam and I weren't having any friendship problems. We got along as well as we always did. But he was spending a lot of time working with Dave on his radio show and he hung out with Drew all the time who wasn't exactly my favourite person in the world. Adam's busy schedule left me with a lot of free time – that lately I'd filling by spending it with Clare.

"Hi Adam," she said warmly as she passed me my coffee and sat down at the table with us.

Adam had a smirk on his face and if Clare hadn't been between us I would have punched him in the arm. "Hi Clare," he said, his voice teasing.

"You guys know each other?" I asked. I hadn't seen them together before that I could recall.

"We've only had almost every class together since I started at Degrassi," Adam explained.

"And we were lab partners last year," Clare said. "Straight A's all four marking periods." She and Adam high-fived.

"I wish you were in my physics class this year. I'm partners with Heather Poulette and she's useless," Adam said.

Clare groaned. "Tell me about it. Mr. Betancamp stuck me with K.C. You pretty much can't get any more awkward than that and he's not exactly a physics genius."

"What's so awkward about K.C.?" I asked. I didn't really know the guy very well but he hung around with Drew so occasionally I'd get stuck in Adam's basement playing video games with them.

Clare looked down at her drink. "He's my ex."

"Hey look on the bright side," Adam said. "He didn't knock you up like Jenna."

"Yeah," she said sarcastically. "Good for me." For a girl who seemed all Christian and wholesome, Clare sure had had a lot of boyfriends. Although that wasn't exactly fair – I'd had one real girlfriend and one girl I had screwed over so we were probably about the same as far as relationships went. I doubted what she had with K.C. was remotely comparable to my relationship with Julia and even after all these weeks of hanging out I still wasn't sure what exactly had gone on with her and Jake. She never mentioned him except for vague references to avoiding being home.

Adam wasn't usually the most perceptive guy on the planet but he could clearly tell Clare was uncomfortable so he changed the subject. But of course, it didn't really make things less complicated. "So how do you two know each other?"

"We're English partners," Clare explained. "Ms. Dawes has us editing each others' work."

"Oh, am I interrupting? I didn't know you were trying to get work done. I'm just meeting Dave here to brainstorm ideas for our radio show but I think he's busy sucking face with Alli."

Clare grimaced at the sound of her name and I realized that was a story I still hadn't gotten out of her. I didn't pay a ton of attention to Clare last year but even I knew that the two girls had been attached at the hip. But Alli was nowhere to be seen this year and Clare flinched whenever she was brought up, never mentioning the girl herself.

"Nah, this meeting is purely recreational," I said, trying to distract Clare. "Ms. Dawes was slightly less of a hardass this week with the assignments."

"I see," Adam said with a slight smirk.

Clare's cell phone beeped and she checked her messages with a groan. "I gotta go. My mother wants me to go grocery shopping with her to pick up food for her very _special_ three month anniversary dinner."

"Sounds like fun," I said, disappointed that she was leaving so soon.

"Yeah. The best." She hopped down from her chair and grabbed her backpack. "It was nice actually talking to you, Adam, and Eli, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye Clare," we chorused as she left.

Adam didn't even have to say what he was thinking; I got the implication from his raised eyebrows. But there was no way I was caving in that easily. "What?" I asked, pretending not to know what he was implying.

"How come you didn't tell me you had a new girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend," I protested. We had barely crossed the threshold into _friends_ a few weeks ago.

"Okay. Then how come you didn't tell me you're head over heels for the lovely Ms. Edwards?"

"Adam. Come on."

"You're so full of shit, man. You should see the way you look at her."

"Because you've seen me look at so many girls before?"

Adam shook his head. "Clare's nice. And she's really pretty. You could do a lot worse."

"_She_ could do a lot better."

"True," Adam confirmed. "I think you should go for it. You clearly like her, and if my instincts are right, she might actually think you don't suck."

I rolled my eyes. "Because you have such great instincts. Fiona Coyne…lesbian. Bianca DeSousa…trans-phobic bad girl."

He shrugged. "Fiona was confused. And Bianca's really come around. She's a friend now."

"Katie Matlin…more interested in your brother."

"Alright, so I'm unlucky in love. That doesn't mean you have to be."

I stared at him. "Right…with my track record?"

Adam's face softened and he became uncharacteristically serious. "Eli…you can't let what happened with Julia prevent you from ever trying again with another girl."

"And Imogen?"

He looked pensive. "That's not exactly the same. It wasn't like you wanted to date her. She did everything she could to get you and you just got swept up."

"And I completely fucked her over."

"Yeah, well… You're in a better place now. I don't think you'd do that to Clare. Not intentionally."

I stared into my coffee cup, feeling like the world was crashing down on me. "I hate that people get hurt because of me."

"It doesn't have to be like that. You're making this into more than it needs to be."

I knew Adam was right, but I was so terrified to screw things up with her. She was one really good thing in my life right now and taking that step was practically a guarantee of fucking that up. I grasped at the last straw I had. "She just got out of a relationship…with her stepbrother. You can't get more complicated than that. She might not be ready either."

"Dude," Adam said in frustration. "Stop with the excuses. Just ask her out on one date. See what happens."

I saw that Dave had walked through the door and nodded towards him. Adam waved him over.

But before Dave arrived, Adam leaned closer to me and said, "You deserve to be happy, Eli. Stop punishing yourself for every mistake you've ever made."

Right. Now if only I could make myself believe that.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**So between the last chapter and this one, I had a baby! Life is pretty crazy right now but occasionally we can get her to sleep in her crib (or on my husband) so I will continue writing this. Slowly but surely.**

**This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Takethecurve who should get inspired to work on her fic because if I can do this _with a baby_, she certainly can!**

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Chapter 4

_Clare_

I should have known that something was up when Eli was waiting for me at my locker on Friday afternoon – looking anxious. He was usually such a confident guy that I had never seen him looking even the slightest bit nervous but here he was looking down at his feet, frowning a bit, his hands balled up at his waist.

As I approached, he looked up and grinned at me, and I almost wondered if I had imagined it. "Hey," he said smoothly, leaning against the locker against mine as I started to collect my books. "La Strada is playing tonight at The Select. Fellini's finest. Want to go?"

I kept my eyes focused on my locker, considering what he had just asked. A movie? On a Friday night? He hadn't said it was a date, but was it? I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I didn't also didn't want to commit to something that I wasn't entirely sure what it was.

I must have taken too long to answer though because Eli interjected nervously, "It's okay if you have plans or something. It's not a big deal."

His voice cracked a little bit and it was enough of a clue that this _was_ a big deal that I bravely met his gaze. His expression was hopeful and I knew, even though he hadn't said the word, that Eli was asking me on a date. And I was only too happy to say yes.

"That sounds great. What time?" I asked, and Eli let out a sigh of relief.

"8 o'clock." His smile faltered a little. "I guess we can meet there?"

"Sounds like a plan," I said. That would certainly help me avoid the whole introducing him to my parents scene – especially if Jake were home. He had confronted me about hanging out with Eli after the first time he saw us together and I'd told him we were English partners. I wasn't going to tell him that we were dating until I was 100% sure that's what this was.

"I'll see you later then," he said, with a smirk that was very nearly a smile on his face. I watched him walk down the hall, unable to keep from grinning.

I went right home from school. I knew I had plenty of time to get ready, but I was so nervous about what to wear that I started planning from the second I got home. I'd already taken a shower that morning but I took another one, wanting to make sure that I smelled nice despite all the nervous sweating. I also made sure to shave my legs, doing a much more thorough job than I usually bothered with this time of year, even though I was fairly certain that I was going to wear jeans and that Eli certainly wouldn't be seeing them. I spent a long time blow drying my curls, trying to get them to behave for once.

I had half of my closet laid out on my bed or dropped on the floor as I tried to decide for certain what to wear. Eli had never really seen me out of my school uniform and I wanted to look nice but not look like I was trying too hard. All of a sudden I had a rush of regret as I realized how much I wished Alli were here right now. She would know exactly what I should wear and how to ease my nerves before what I realized was basically my first date.

I had dated K.C. for three months but we were Grade Nines and he lived in a group home. Neither of us had any money and even if we had, it was hard for him to get permission to go out for non-school activities. Watching him play basketball and then going to get a milkshake at the Dot was the closest we'd ever gotten.

And with Jake, there had been plenty of opportunities for dates but somehow we still hadn't bothered. The three months we'd spent together before breaking up at prom were mostly spent in my bedroom or the front seat of his truck, making out. Jake didn't really like planning things in advance, so though we'd occasionally end up at a movie (one that he picked out) it was usually because my mother was home. Most of the time he'd send a text that would say, "Dad said he's going out to dinner with your Mom. Want some company?"

After the wedding, when we got back together, things were even worse. We'd sit together on the living room couch – me, reading a book and him, watching TV – while he dared to stroke my hand or my legs surreptitiously, waiting for our parents to go out on one of their mindless adult errands so we could be alone. In fact, if it wasn't for Jake's insatiable appetite, we probably never would have left the house, but I didn't count cheeseburgers at the Dot as a date – not when I was sixteen and my boyfriend had access to a car and we could have been walking on the beach or exploring little ethnic restaurants or sitting under the stars and actually looking at them between kisses.

A foreign film wasn't exactly a dream date, but it was a lot better than what I'd had previously.

I selected a deep purple blouse over dark jeans, and put a black camisole underneath because otherwise it showed way too much cleavage. I only put on a hint of makeup – eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss – sticking close to my usual school routine since I didn't want Eli to realize how much of an effort I was making. I stayed in my room until Mom called me down for dinner, which wasn't that unusual for me, since I usually tried to spend as a little time in Jake's company as possible.

It must have been my lucky day because he wasn't there and Glen offered the excuse that he had gone to the movies with some friends. It gave me the perfect lead to tell them about my plans for the night. "I'm going to the movies tonight too."

"With who, dear?" Mom asked as she ladled spaghetti sauce onto my plate.

I knew if I told her the truth, she'd never let me out of the house. "Katie from newspaper. I'm meeting her at the Select at eight."

Mom frowned and I knew she didn't like it when I spent time with people she hadn't met. "Meeting her? You know I don't like you taking public transit by yourself at night."

Glen reached over and touched her hand. "I can give her a ride there. And Jake should be getting home right around then. Clare can call him and he'll drive her home."

"I'm pretty sure Katie can give me a ride home," I said, even though I knew I'd have to take the bus. "And I don't mind taking the bus there. You don't have to go to the trouble."

"It's no trouble at all," Mom responded for Glen.

"Great," I mumbled.

The truth was that I didn't mind Glen. He was a really nice guy overall. But it was hard not to resent him for marrying my mother after dating her for less than six months, for being part of the reason that Jake and I had broken up, and for moving into the house which effectively ended my parents' shared custody agreement – not that it had been working that well on its own.

And then there was the fact that he was extremely oblivious to my feelings for his son – which was all the more apparent when we were driving to the movie theatre.

"I think it's great that you're getting out more," he said. "Your mother and I have been worried about how much time you've been spending cooped up in your room."

"I have a lot of homework," I mumbled, not wanting to have this conversation.

"You can't do homework all the time. You've got to get out there. Spend time with friends. Go on some dates." He made a left turn and I was happy to see we were only a few blocks from the theatre. "I know Jake's been a lot happier since he started seeing someone. I'm just hoping he'll bring her home soon so we can meet her."

Jake's been…seeing someone?

With that one sentence, suddenly it didn't matter that I was going on a date with Eli or that if I was being honest with myself, I hadn't thought of Jake romantically in weeks. Usually the only thing on my mind was keeping myself away from him. But Glen's words opened up a wound that was just a little too fresh.

I couldn't believe he was that clueless, bringing this up to me. Even if I was Jake's stepsister now, I _was_ his girlfriend. And even if Mom and Glen thought we'd broken up at the end of June on prom night and were unaware of our brief, rekindled romance at the beginning of the school year, it was too soon to rub Jake's new girlfriend in my face – even if that wasn't Glen's intent at all.

I could feel tears springing to my eyes and I hoped I could keep them in. I didn't want to cry in front of Glen and I really didn't want to show up and see Eli with raccoon streaks down my face. But I couldn't help but feel jealous of this mystery girl – that she had Jake and I didn't.

It was awful to think about how much I missed him. He was the guy who hugged me when my Dad called to cancel the dinner I'd been looking forward to because he'd forgotten that Irene's daughter had a dance recital that he'd promised her he'd attend. He had texted me jokes through the walls of our bedrooms on the night that Mom and Glen's discretion had been lacking, to distract me from the awful, horrific noises that we could both hear. He had taught me how to fish at his lakehouse and roasted marshmallows for me just the way I liked them, after the incident with Alli, he was the only person in the world who was there for me.

And now he'd be there for someone else.

"Here you go," Glen said, and I realized we'd arrived at the theatre. I could see Eli hovering near the ticket window and I hoped that Glen would leave quickly so he wouldn't see me with him. "If you can't get a hold of Jake later, give me a call. Your mom has choir practice so I'm home alone."

"Thanks for the ride," I said. I breathed a sigh of relief as Glen left and walked over to Eli.

He grinned once he saw me and I couldn't help but be taken in by the sparkle in his eye. He was wearing a gray button down shirt with a tie loosely tied around his neck and wow, he looked good.

"Hey," he said, handing me a ticket. "You're just in time. Let's go get seats."

I fumbled through my purse. "Let me pay you back."

He laughed. "It's on me, Edwards. You want popcorn?"

I shook my head. I was definitely too nervous to eat anything.

He led me into the theatre. I had been here before but only with my father, who was as much of a classic film buff as I was. The theatre was pretty empty so we had our pick of seats and Eli found us an empty row, halfway down in the middle. "This okay?" he asked politely and I nodded.

The theatre was already pretty dark although it was just showing commercials and I kind of wished we'd gotten some popcorn so that I'd have something to do with my hands. Eli leaned closer to me, and I almost jumped out of my skin. "You look really nice tonight," he whispered.

My eyes widened in surprise; I hadn't expected him to be so forward. "Thank you," I said, trying to keep my tone even. "So do you."

He laughed. "That must just be from the lack of a uniform. I think everyone gains at least 20% attractiveness once they stop wearing khaki and polos."

Oh. So it's just the uniform. Despite the darkness Eli must have noticed the change in expression on my face and rushed to clarify, "No, I didn't mean you. I mean, you're always looking nice, uniform or not, but tonight you look…" He took a deep breath. "Lovely."

I hoped that there wasn't enough light for him to see the color spreading across my face. I didn't know how to respond, and fortunately, the lights went out and the previews started playing, so we both turned toward the screen.

I had never seen La Strada before, so I really had to pay attention to keep up with the subtitles. But I couldn't help but notice that Eli had left the armrest between us empty. It was such a stark difference from Jake, who spread out so much in his seat that he practically took up half of mine. I placed my hand there, very conscious of how close I was sitting to Eli. I kept a halfhearted hope that at some point during the movie he would take my hand, but his remained in his lap. I certainly didn't have enough courage to take his hand and eventually I dropped mine into my lap and forced myself to concentrate on the movie and not my proximity to Eli.

By the time the movie finished I was wiping tears from my eyes. Eli took one look at me when the lights came up and laughed. "I probably should have warned you about the ending."

"Ugh, you should have," I said. "Do I have mascara all over my face?"

"No," he said softly, reaching out and brushing his thumb against my cheek, smearing a trail of tears.

He was looking right into my eyes and then I saw his eyes dart down to my lips, and I knew he was going to kiss me. He started to lean in and my eyes closed and…

"Excuse me."

He pulled back as we realized that someone was trying to step over to get past us and we stood to allow them to pass. Why he didn't use one of the empty rows to get to the exit was a mystery to me. But by the time he squeezed past us, the mood was definitely broken.

I followed Eli out of the theatre, trying not to be too disappointed by our missed kiss. It was definitely clear to me now that this was a date and that Eli was interested in me – at least as much as I was interested in him.

We started walking down the street together, even though I had no idea where I was going. "So I take it you liked the movie?" Eli asked, his hands in the pocket of his light jacket.

"It was amazing," I said. "I love classic movies."

"Me too," he said. "So what should we do next?"

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and realized it was already 9:30. I had a pretty firm 10 p.m. curfew and if I was going to take the bus home, I really needed to make the next one. Eli looked at me curiously. "What's wrong?"

"It's just, I probably should get home."

Eli looked confused. "It's 9:30 on a Friday night."

"So?"

"The night's just getting started," he said.

I felt the same way but I knew that wasn't something my mother was going to understand. "My mom's expecting me to come home right after the movie."

"Text her and tell her you're going to be out late tonight."

"I can't," I protested.

He shook his head. "Come on. You don't always have to be a good girl."

"I'm not," I said emphatically.

"When was the last time you did something that your parents wouldn't approve of?" he challenged.

Continuing to secretly date Jake after our parents' wedding and then trying to have sex with my stepbrother only to be brutally rejected. But there was no way I was telling Eli that.

Eli looked skeptical. "You can't come up with anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nothing you'll find sufficiently subversive."

"Well then tonight's your chance. Stay out late with me and we'll find something truly devious for you to do." At this point he was a little ahead of me, walking backward with a little bit of a spring in his step. He reached for me and I let him take my hand, knowing there was no way I could go home right now.

"Fine. As long as I get veto power."

Eli grinned. "Of course. So where should we start? There's always the classic 'sex, drugs, and rock and roll.' Though I don't have tickets for anything, and random bar bands are out since you're missing a fake ID and couldn't pass for 19 if your life depended on it."

I stopped walking, pulling him to a stop next to me. "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and somehow it's the rock and roll that's hard to procure?"

He laughed. "No worries, Clare. I know you're not the kind of girl who puts out on the first date."

I blushed. The date confirmation was nice to hear but it was awkward to hear Eli talk about sex in such a blasé tone. And it also left me with one other difficult topic to discuss. "Do you do drugs?" I asked, cringing inwardly at how young and naïve I sounded.

Eli smirked. "I decided a long time ago that mind altering substances were probably not the best idea for me, and with the bipolar and the meds they have me on for it, that was probably a wise decision. Unlike you, I'm assuming, I've had plenty of opportunities to turn them down though."

I let out a sigh of relief. A few months ago, I'd been disappointed to learn that while I was wandering in the woods, trying to clear my head after I saw Alli kissing Jake, Marisol and Katie were smoking pot – that I later learned belonged to none other than Jake himself. He told me it wasn't a big deal, just something he did to pass the time while he was alone at the lakehouse and missing me, but the thought of him doing drugs never really sat right with me and I was glad Eli wouldn't be putting me in the same uncomfortable position.

"Okay," I said softly, hoping he would change the subject.

"You're not going to ask me about whether I've had sex?" Eli asked, his voice turning a little more serious.

Unfortunately, I already knew the answer to that question. "I saw your play, remember?" During the fight before Julia's death, Eli had yelled out in a moment that I was certain wasn't present in the official script, "You've been fucking me for months."

"Ah," he said, declining to comment further. "And you…?"

"Haven't," I said emphatically. I couldn't believe how direct he was being. I guessed I could have expected it from how honest he was in his critiques, but that was pretty personal to ask someone on the first date.

"Okay," he said easily, and I was grateful that he immediately changed the subject. "Well, I've been to close to 50 concerts over the years, though some I was too young to remember. My parents thought it was hysterical to bring an infant to Lollapallooza." He tugged on my hand and we started walking again. "Any concerts for you? Or are you a complete virgin?"

I flinched at his terminology. "I've been to a concert."

"Which one?" When I didn't respond, he poked me in the side. "Spit it out, Edwards."

I cringed, waiting for his mocking to start. "NKOTB and the Backstreet Boys. At the Air Canada Centre. All— A friend made me go with her."

He burst into laughter. "I should have seen that coming."

"Shut up," I said, slapping him on the arm, but his laughter was infectious and I couldn't help but join him.

"Okay, back to the task at hand. I'm assuming alcohol is out?"

I nodded. "Something tells me I better avoid all mind altering substances around you."

"Moi? I would never take advantage of a lady under the influence." He wiggled his eyebrows at me. "But I left my video camera at home, so let's wait until we can record that for posterity."

We stopped to wait for the light to change, and I just couldn't believe how well this night was going. I was out late, holding hands with Eli, walking around the city without a care in the world. Being with him was making me happier than I had ever expected. I hoped that sometime tonight he was tried to kiss me since we'd missed our opportunity earlier and part of me was trying to screw up enough courage to take matters into my own hands if he didn't.

"Bingo," Eli said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"What?"

He pointed to a tattoo parlor ahead of us. "I am not getting a tattoo," I protested.

"You could get something pierced."

I looked at him, wide-eyed and incredulous. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he challenged. He reached over and touched the small diamond stud in my ear. "It's clearly not against your religion."

"It's kind of a big deal to do something like that on a whim."

"Isn't that the point of tonight?"

I could feel him wearing me down a bit, but there was no way I could do this. My mother would kill me if she found out I got a piercing without her permission. I had to wait until my 13th birthday before she let me get my _ears_ pierced. But that line of thought brought up a logistical issue that I suspected Eli hadn't thought of. "I'm not 18. They aren't going to let me even if I wanted to."

He grinned. "They will if your 22 year old friend signs the paper." He pulled his ID out of his wallet and handed it to me.

"This looks really real," I said, feeling stupid once again at my wording.

Eli laughed. "It's a good thing, since they took the real one away." My jaw dropped and he hurried to explain. "I haven't been driving, I swear. I just use this to get into shows. I haven't even bought alcohol in ages." He put his hand on my shoulder, kind of close to my neck, and I felt a shiver go through my body. "What do you say, Clare?"

I closed my eyes. "My mom will kill me."

He took a step closer to me. "So get something pierced that she won't see."

I was used to Eli challenging me with my writing but this was the first time he had put his powers of persuasion to use in my own life. But there was something about the way he was looking at me that made me feel exhilarated. And part of me just wanted to do something exciting and outside the box for once – something _sexy_. A little voice at the back of my head wondered if I had been daring enough to do something like getting a piercing back when I was with Jake – would he have rejected me the way he did? If I had unzipped my top and revealed a pierced navel, would I still be virgin today? Would that have been enough to keep me from being single and friendless and lonely?

So even though I knew it was crazy, I tugged on Eli's hand and let him into the tattoo shop.

For someone who had been so persistent, once I had agreed, Eli completely backed off. In fact, he watched in shock as I told the extremely tattooed man at the counter that I would like to have my belly button pierced and didn't even offer an opinion as I perused the different options, only stepping up to show his ID and sign the requisite papers.

"Okay, we're ready for you," the man said, and as I moved to follow him, I saw Eli take a step back and sit down in the waiting area.

"Oh, no you don't," I said, pulling him back to his feet. "This was your idea; you're not leaving me alone."

It was odd having confident Eli following behind me so docilely. We followed the man behind a privacy curtain and I sat down in the chair with Eli hovering nearby.

"You've got a shirt on underneath that?" the man asked, and I nodded. "Take that one off and just pull up the bottom one. It should stay out of the way."

I glanced at Eli, who wouldn't meet my eyes, and very nervously started to unbutton my shirt. The camisole that I'd worn to hide my cleavage didn't feel quite so covering when I didn't have anything over it. I was glad I'd worn a black bra so that it wasn't quite so obvious that the straps were sticking out of it. Right before the man turned back around, I pulled up the bottom of the cami, exposing my stomach.

I glanced at Eli but his eyes were glued to my stomach so he didn't notice that I witnessed the large gulp he took at the sight of my skin. I felt so awkward. I'd dated Jake for months and he'd never seen me like this, and this was a first date with Eli. And it wasn't like we were arriving at this moment because we were getting more intimate and I felt ready; there was a stranger in the room, who was currently wiping my stomach with rubbing alcohol. And I couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious. I knew I wasn't fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't have a perfect skinny girl figure either. I shot another look at Eli but I only felt marginally better that it seemed like he was enjoying the view.

"Okay," the man said, turning around with a giant needle in his hand.

"Oh my God," I said, unable to keep my cool at the sight of it. I reached out for Eli and he took my hand. I felt the clamp grasp the skin that was about to get pierced and decided to look at Eli so I wouldn't know what was happening. But his face was turned completely away from mine, and the hand on mine was squeezing so hard that it almost felt like I was the person comforting him. I shut my eyes tight and waited for the pain.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW" I screamed when it finally came, and gripped Eli's hand with equal strength.

I gave up any pretense of keeping myself together and gave in to the tears that were now streaming down my face, sobbing at the intensity of the situation even after the pain had subsided. The piercer said he was done less than a minute together, but even that didn't give me any comfort. He cleaned up and left us alone behind the curtain and Eli took the seat he had vacated and rolled up next to me, still holding my hand.

"Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?"

"It really hurt," I whined.

Eli laughed. "I can't believe you went through with that." He leaned over and wiped a tear from my face. "I've already made you cry twice tonight. You'll probably never want to see me again."

I attempted to glare at him but the feeling of his fingers brushing against my cheek made it impossible. "Next time I agree to do something subversive, you're doing it with me."

"Well then I should probably tell you that I'm terrified of needles," Eli admitted.

"I could tell," I said dryly.

"It just makes this…" he gestured at my stomach, "all the more impressive."

At this point, his gaze was almost too much for me, and I tugged my camisole down and shrugged back into my blouse, turning away so he couldn't watch me button it.

I went back to the counter to pay and pick up the bottle of cleaning solution and then stepped outside the store.

Eli had both hands in his pockets and didn't look nearly as comfortable as he had an hour before. "Can I walk you home?" he asked, his voice a little deeper than usual and I nodded. At this time I probably should have caught a bus, but I just wanted a little more time with Eli.

On the walk home, we made small talk about school and what we were working on with Ms. Dawes. Eli's hands stayed firmly in his pockets and I hoped it was because the temperature had dropped and not that he was trying to stay away from me.

When we finally arrived on my front steps, I gazed at him, willing him to kiss me. First dates should end in a nice kiss, and a first date this crazy and intense should end with one that is mindblowing.

"I had a really nice time tonight," I said, trying to get the ball rolling even though it was kind of cliché.

"So did I," he said. "You're really full of surprises, Clare."

"I hope that's a good thing."

"It is," he said reassuringly.

His hand grazed my face once more and I took a step forward, my eyes closing as his face moved toward mine. But his lips landed on my cheek in the briefest kiss possible and then he took a decisive step back from me.

"Goodnight Clare," he said, turning away and fleeing down the steps before I could even respond.

I didn't have time to react to or process Eli's quick departure because the door opened behind me. "Clare Diana Edwards," my mother said, and I knew I was in big trouble.


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

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Chapter 5

_Eli_

Clare had texted me the morning after our date to let me know that her mother was less than pleased with her breaking curfew and that she was grounded for a week – and all I felt was relief.

Our date had started out amazing. She looked absolutely beautiful and she loved the movie as much as I did, and when I brushed the tears off her face, I wanted to kiss her more than anything.

But then, of course, I had screwed everything up. If it wasn't for me, she would have gone home, on time, and not been in trouble. She wouldn't have had to argue with me as I badgered her to do something out of the ordinary or answer extremely personal questions that I knew I had no business asking but couldn't help myself.

And she certainly wouldn't have gone home with a belly button ring. I still couldn't believe that she'd gone along with my insane suggestion. I had never expected that we'd end up in the back of a sketchy tattoo parlor with Clare determinedly asking for a belly button piercing, taking off her shirt to expose the creamy skin of her stomach, and bravely facing the pain when I was too much of a wuss to even watch.

The sight of the metal bar cutting through her perfect skin was just about the sexiest thing I'd ever seen.

But the fact that she'd only done it at my suggestion terrified me.

So I'd spent most of the week Clare had been grounded avoiding her. I'd spent lunches in the media immersion lab when I couldn't convince Fiona to leave Imogen's side and have lunch with me at the Dot. I'd gotten to school late twice after Clare had practically cornered me the morning before. And I wasn't exactly happy that Mr. Perino had given me detention for yet another missing assignment but it did give me an awfully convenient excuse for why I wasn't at my locker after school.

I wasn't sure if Clare was feeling as weird as I was about the situation, but I suspected she was, especially since she'd stopped sending me texts or IMs. The only communication we really had were emails back and forth about our latest English assignment. It was clear we were trying to keep things professional – which made me simultaneously relieved and disappointed.

But she wasn't going to be grounded forever and that Monday, Ms. Dawes gave us an assignment that there was no way we could complete over email, so with some trepidation, I invited Clare over to work on it that afternoon. She seemed a little surprised but readily agreed. Even though I was nervous about the whole situation, I'd missed spending time with her, and I was much happier about getting to work with her again that I'd thought.

But the nerves came back in full force as Clare took her regular spot on the loveseat and looked at me expectantly. I couldn't bear to be that close to her, so I took a seat on the other couch, opened up my notebook, and tried to lead the discussion on the one scene play we needed to write together, as I did everything I could to avoid seeing her hurt expression.

"So I think we should start with Jesse eavesdropping on his parents' argument. He can overhear his father say that he's going to kick him out of the house. And even though the mom sticks up for him, it's clear it's rather half-hearted." I tapped my pen against my mouth, considering how we could stage the scene. "It's going to be hard to convey his depth of anger without cursing, but I think we can come up with something."

"Eli," Clare said softly. I could tell she was upset and as much as it pained me, I looked up to me her tentative gaze. "Why are you avoiding me?"

I gave a short laugh. "I'm not avoiding you."

She raised her eyebrows. "Come on."

"I'm not," I said defensively, sounding like a pouting child. "You've been grounded for a week. It's not like we could do anything."

"We could have talked on the phone…or texted…or IMed."

"I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one of us with the capability of doing those things. You could have called me."

She bit her lip. "What happened? Because last Friday I thought everything went really well and then…well…then you didn't kiss me and I really thought you were going to and we didn't talk all week and now you're sitting over there." She looked about two seconds away from tears and I felt just awful. "I just want to know what I did wrong."

I knew pretending everything was fine wasn't going to work. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who's wrong."

Her mouth twisted into a pout. "So it's an '_It's not you; it's me_' sort of thing? Could be you be any more clichéd?"

"Clare," I said exasperated. She held my gaze, challenging me to stop messing around and tell her the truth. "Look, I don't even know why you'd want to talk to me after what I did to you last Friday."

She looked shocked. "What are you talking about?"

I gestured vaguely at her stomach. "I pressured you into doing something insane that you never would have done on your own."

Clare's face screwed up in concern. "Pressured me? I was the one who dragged you through the door. I picked out the piercing. It was your suggestion and yeah, the nagging certainly helped move along my decision-making but you didn't pressure me into anything."

"Really? So you've been just dying to get your belly button pierced? If I hadn't brought it up last Friday, you still would have found a way to end up with metal in your stomach?"

"Okay, no," she admitted. "But when you brought it up…I don't know. I've been playing it safe my whole life. I always follow the rules and do what I'm told and don't step out of the good girl box. And lately with my parents and…just everything, I've been feeling like that really isn't working for me anymore. But you suggesting I do something out of the ordinary…it just made me feel powerful. Like I didn't have to be that lonely, quiet girl. I could do something a little bit impulsive and crazy. I could do something…" she paused, chewing on the end of her pen. "Sexy."

Her blushing cheeks undermined her confident speech and her colour only intensified when against my better judgment, I responded huskily, "Mission accomplished." I forced the image of Clare lying nearly shirtless, exposing her beautiful skin and shiny metal stud out of my head before my khaki pants revealed just how sexy I had found her.

Her voice shook a little. "So please don't beat yourself up and think you did something wrong. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have. You can suggest a million things and I'm happy to listen, but I'm still going to do whatever I want."

"Okay," I caved, not wanting to fight with her on this even though I was pretty sure I was still right.

"So are we okay?" she asked tentatively.

"Never better," I said with the slightest hint of sarcasm. "We should get back to the assignment."

But Clare held her ground. "I didn't mean we, as in English partners." She sighed. "I don't even know what we are."

"Friends," I offered.

"Right," she said, looking crestfallen.

"So about this play," I said trying to drag this conversation back to schoolwork.

But Clare's watery eyes trained themselves on me and I took a deep breath, knowing this wasn't going to be resolved so easily. "Eli, I…I need to know why you don't like me. If we're going to be friends."

The look on her face broke my heart. If she even knew half of how much I felt for her, how over the last few weeks all I did was look forward to seeing her smile and hearing her voice. How she was the first girl since Julia that I could see myself falling in love with.

"I told you. That's not the problem," I admitted.

"Then what is?" she persisted.

I sighed. It was time to tell her the truth. "I'm not good for you. I hurt people. I don't want to take you down this road."

Clare looked at me like I had two heads. "What are you talking about?"

I looked down at my hands. I couldn't see the look on her face. "You saw the play. You saw what I did to Julia. That was all real, Clare. Every word of it."

"Eli," she breathed, her voice soft and gentle. "You can't blame yourself for her death. It was an accident and a tragedy and just completely and utterly awful, but in no way was it your fault."

"She wouldn't have been out there if it weren't for me. She wouldn't have ridden home in the dark if I hadn't picked that stupid fight with her. If I hadn't called her a bitch. She wouldn't have died." I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and struggled to fight them.

"A car accident caused her death, Eli. You could have spent the night hugging her and telling her how much you loved her before she left and the result would have been the same. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and that's awful, but you didn't cause her to die."

I shrugged. I had heard this argument before – from my parents, from my therapist. Even Adam had given me the speech. And intellectually I knew they were right but it didn't matter because in my heart I knew she wouldn't have left my house if it weren't for how horrible I was to her that night. She would have stayed the night and made love to me and slept in my arms and we would have woken up together the next morning.

Clare looked at me with a softness in her eyes that bordered on pity and made me feel even worse. "You can't be afraid to let people in, Eli. Just because I'm in your life doesn't mean I'm going to die. It doesn't mean I'm going to leave you."

"There are other ways to hurt people," I said shortly.

"Yes," Clare said patiently. "But you're a good person. I know you wouldn't intend to hurt anyone."

'That's what you think. Do you know Imogen Moreno?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Vaguely."

"Last year, we became friends in Drama Class. And she tried out for the part of Julia and she just nailed it. She even sort of looked the part. And she was sort of weird and stalkery and I knew she liked me, but I kept telling her I just wanted to be friends. I mean, she was nice and all and obviously attractive, but I knew I wasn't ready to date anyone. I was still processing Julia's death and how I felt about her, and I knew Imogen wasn't the girl I was going to move on with."

"It's not a crime to let someone down if you don't return their feelings," Clare said, though she wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Well, the problem was that no matter how nicely I told her I wasn't interested, she didn't take the hint. And she came over one night to rehearse and I was…" This was so hard to tell her. I knew that this would be the final straw – the thing the made her run away and not even want to be my friend. "I was having a manic episode. And we were rehearsing the kissing scene and I kissed her and…I don't know. I got mixed up in my mind and I called her Julia. She corrected me, but… I knew it was Imogen; I'm crazy but I'm not _that_ crazy. But I wanted to believe so badly that she was Julia that I sort of just…let myself believe it. And things just kind of escalated from there."

Clare's eyebrows practically shot off her forehead. "You slept with Imogen while pretending she was Julia?"

"No!" I said emphatically. "No, I didn't let it get that far. We kissed. A lot. But it was just kissing. I was in enough of my right mind not to do anything too stupid."

"That's still pretty awful," she said.

"It's not even the worst part."

"It gets worse?"

"The next morning she came up to me all happy and thinking we were a couple. And I was such a dick to her. I told her she was nothing to me. I made out with her less than 24 hours before and told her she was nothing. I'm lucky she even showed up the night of the play. She hasn't spoken to me in months." I sighed. "I didn't want to date her but she was a good friend to me, and I don't really have a lot of friends. And what I did to her was just cruel. I don't want to hurt anyone like that ever again."

Clare looked down and took a minute to process what I had just told her. I was about to offer to do the English assignment on my own and give her a way out when she asked, "You told me you found out you were bipolar after the play, right?"

"Yeah," I said, confused.

"So you didn't start the medication or the therapy until after that, correct?"

"Yeah," I said, still not sure where she was going with this.

"Well I don't think the Eli I know today would do something like that. You're obviously a lot better now and very remorseful for what you did."

Great. Clare definitely was getting the wrong idea. "Yeah, but therapy and medications…they aren't a magic bullet. I'm still bipolar. I still have upswings and downswings and sometimes I do stupid things. You can't just excuse the horrible things I've done because I have a disease."

"I'm not excusing anything. I just think that you're more aware now of how your illness affects you. I think you're stable enough that you wouldn't fantasize about Julia while kissing Imogen today – even if you were on an upswing. You care about people too much to intentionally hurt them."

"You have too much faith in me," I said softly. "I don't deserve it."

Clare smiled. "I'm good at having faith. It's kind of my thing."

I gazed at her and took in the wide open expression on her beautiful face. She didn't seem scared of me. She didn't think I was a monster. She was willing to talk things out and to listen to me, and honestly, just being around her made me feel a lot better.

But there was one more thing I was hiding from her. If I wanted to take that step – if I wanted her to be my girlfriend…I had to tell her everything.

"There's something I need to show you," I said and she gave me a questioning look. "Umm, it's upstairs. In my bedroom." I realized it was a little bit forward of me to invite her up to my room and that as innocent as Clare was, she might take it the wrong way. But she followed me without a word.

I could see her eyes narrow as I started to undo the combination lock that kept the door closed, and I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. The combination was the date of Julia's death but I didn't think I needed to tell her that. Before I opened the door, I took a deep breath and looked at her.

"I've never shown anyone this or told anyone about this. Not Imogen. Not Fiona. Not even Adam. My parents have seen it, a while ago, but I don't think they know just how bad it is."

I opened the door and Clare gasped at the overflowing room. She took a few steps past me to get a better look as I explained. "Ever since Julia died, I've had trouble throwing things out. Everything really. I don't know if you've ever seen the show Hoarders, but well…I'm one of them."

"Eli, this is…" Clare trailed off, speechless, still looking around at everything. Aside from a path from the door to the bed, the whole floor was covered and there were piles on almost every available surface. I had kept so many things that even I had lost track of some of the stuff that was buried more deeply. But almost every item had some significance, like the popcorn tub I'd kept after going to see Clown Academy 12 with Adam or the creepy cat sculpture that Julia had dared me to steal from a garage sale.

I laughed wryly. "This is actually better than it was. I told my therapist last year and he helped me come up with this system, and sometimes I manage to get through a little bit. The path you're standing in wasn't here a year ago and I got the bed uncovered so I can actually sleep in here again."

I wasn't going to mention that a lot of the progress I had made came in the last few months, since she came into my life. I'd had a dream about the two of us, having sex in my bed in the middle of a relatively clean room, and even though I wasn't big on premonitions, the image had motivated me to attempt to get rid of some of the worst of it. At the rate I was going, we'd be 40 before she'd even consider it though.

Clare didn't say anything as she looked through the remnants. I hoped there wasn't anything too embarrassing on the top level and cringed when I noticed the rolls of toilet paper on my nightstand. I could only wish that Clare was too innocent to know what those were there for. She gave one last glance at a framed photo I had of Julia that I kept on a relatively uncluttered shelf and then stepped back out into the doorway, next to me.

Her face was unresponsive and I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I knew I needed to explain. "Clare, I can't keep secrets from you. I like you too much." There was just enough of a glimmer in her eye that encouraged me to press on. "I'm not a perfect guy and I'm probably terrible for you. You're a nice Christian girl and I'm a bipolar atheist with tons of baggage – literally." I gestured around the room. "I understand if you want to walk away. I know this is a lot to deal with and you're sixteen and I'm not expecting anything from you. We can be friends or we can be English partners and that's fine with me."

She stood still, gazing into the room, not meeting my eyes.

"I understand if you want to walk away," I repeated, though my thudding heart told me how desperately I needed her to tell me she wouldn't.

She didn't look at me. She didn't say anything. But her hand reached out and laced her fingers in mine and for the first time, I felt like maybe I was finally ready to move on.


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**Sorry for the late night update. Sometimes that's the only time I get to myself. Also, sorry if this gets a little exposition heavy toward the end of the middle.  
**

**Thank you for all of you who've been reading me forever and who take the time to review or leave me messages. It means the world to me.  
**

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Chapter 6

_Clare_

I was sitting on my bed, ostensibly working on my science homework, but I couldn't stop thinking about Eli.

It had been a few days since he'd opened up to me about his past and his feelings for me, and while I felt like we were in a better place, we hadn't really resolved anything. He had shown me his room and I was left speechless. I had never seen anything like that in person and the sheer volume of stuff he had collected was alarming – especially considering he'd told me he had made some progress in getting rid of things.

I knew that Eli showed me his room for a reason – to help me make a decision. Was I going to stay or was I going to go? I held his hand to show I wasn't going anywhere without having to say the words. I wasn't afraid of his hoarding any more than I was afraid of his bipolar disorder; it was just something that was part of him, and I knew I liked him.

But there was something that was still holding me back – that kept me from telling him that I wanted to be his girlfriend. The part of me that was relieved when after a silent minute Eli suggested that we go back to the basement and get some work done on the play for real now that we'd gotten everything out in the open, and was glad when my mother texted me not too long later and asked me to hurry home for dinner.

Eli had opened up to me. He had told me all of his secrets. He had told me he liked me. But I was too scared to do the same for him.

There was a knock on my door and I glanced at the clock, surprised that my mother would be home from work so early.

"Who is it?" I called, prepared to jump off the bed and answer the door.

"It's me," Jake said. "Can we talk?"

I sat back down and stared at the door in disbelief. "I don't have anything to say to you."

I heard the knob jiggle and Jake pounded his fist against the door in frustration. "You seriously keep this thing locked? I just need to talk to you for a few minutes. You can go back to ignoring me after that."

"Or I can just keep doing that right now." I knew I was acting childish but the thought of Jake in my bedroom reminded me of the last time we'd been in bed together and how stupid I was and how much he'd hurt me.

"We're having this conversation whether you want to or not. But Dad and Helen will be home any minute and I don't think you'll want them to overhear me if I'm talking to you through the door. Just let me in."

I bit my lip, wondering what he had to say that would be problematic for our parents to hear. Begrudgingly I got up and unlocked the door. Jake shut the door behind him and followed me into the room.

"You can sit over there," I said gesturing at my desk chair. He rolled his eyes but took my suggestion.

"Look, I know things are weird between us and that you're still mad at me, but this can't go on forever, Clare. We live in the same house. Our parents have noticed that we went from hanging out all the time to ignoring each other's existence. We need to deal with this. It's been long enough."

"And that's where you're wrong. You'll be going off to university next year. We'll just have to ignore each other until then and then we'll just have to deal with Christmas and random holidays. This year will suck but then we'll be done with each other, just like you wanted."

Jake had a pained look on his face. "Clare," he said softly, and his tone practically broke my heart all over again.

"Was that all you wanted to tell me? Because you can go now."

He sighed and stood up, looking down at the floor and not meeting my eyes. "I wanted to tell you that I'm dating someone. It's not serious; we're taking it slow…for a lot of reasons. But I didn't want you to find out from seeing us at school or hearing it from someone other than me."

I didn't want to tell him that his father had already let the cat out of the bag on that one. "Well that's just great," I said sharply. "I hope you and Alli are very happy together."

"It's not Alli," Jake said simply.

"Who?" I asked, unable to hide my nervous response.

"Jenna Middleton."

I let out a huge, involuntary laugh that could only be described as a cackle. "You're dating _Jenna_? Jenna! You break up with me and move on to Jenna?"

Jake's typically calm face was rapidly becoming furious. "I hate to tell you this, but you broke up with me. And you can be pissed at me all you want, but leave Jenna out of it."

"Leave Jenna out of it?" I mocked. "I'd be happy to if she didn't have such a habit of stealing all of my boyfriends."

He rolled his eyes. "She didn't steal anything. We've been broken up for months."

"Well I guess she had the good courtesy to wait longer. Last time, it took her a total of three hours. Or did you forget that I used to date K.C. too, before he and Jenna were stupid enough to get knocked up?"

"You're such a bitch, Clare," Jake said, shaking his head as he walked toward my door. "You're not the person I thought you were."

Tears were pouring out of my eyes but I couldn't resist one last retort. "Make sure you use a condom, Jake. Jenna's clearly fertile."

He gave me one last look of anger mixed with sadness before closing my door. I flipped over and buried my head into my pillow, sobbing so loudly I knew Jake would be able to hear it through the wall. Mom and Glen would be home soon and I didn't want them to know that I was upset and trigger the Spanish Inquisition, so as soon as I was able to breathe again, I splashed some water on my face, pulled on my flats, and left the house.

I walked for over an hour, alternating between sadness and anger, trying to wrap my head around the situation. I felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness. There wasn't anyone I could talk to. I couldn't tell my mom since it had to do with Jake. I couldn't tell Alli because we hadn't spoken in months. Even if I had talked to Connor or K.C. outside of class in the past year – which I hadn't – neither of them would understand.

Without planning to consciously, I found myself standing in front of Eli's house. I stood there for a few minutes, not sure what to do. It was true that Eli was my only friend right now and that he'd been there for me more in the past few weeks than anyone else had in my life. But it seemed cruel to complain to him about my ex-boyfriend when I knew Eli had feelings for me. And what if he took my sadness and anger to mean that I didn't have feelings for him – that I was still hung up on my ex?

But my relationship with Jake and my current feelings – these things were part of me. And if Eli and I were ever going to take that next step, I needed to be honest with him like he had done for me.

I knocked on the door tentatively, almost hoping he wouldn't answer. But he did, his jaw dropping at my red, puffy eyes, and ushered me inside without a word. We sat down on the loveseat in the basement in our usual spots. "What's wrong?" Eli asked. He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away and his face fell even further.

"I'm sorry I have to tell you this. I don't want to hurt you, but I just…I need someone to talk to and you're the only person in my life who actually listens to me. And I'm sorry I showed up here unannounced and I probably look like a mess, but there are things I need to tell you, things you need to know about me, and I just hope you don't hate me…"

"Clare," he interrupted my rambling. "You can tell me anything and I promise I won't hate you."

Yeah, he wouldn't hate me. But it would halt any feelings he had for me before we even got the chance to act on them.

I sighed. "Jake is dating Jenna." Eli looked confused, and I could see a note of unhappiness in his eyes at my news, despite the fact that he had no clue who that was. "Jenna Middleton? Grade 11. Blonde." He still showed no sign of recognition. "Pregnant last year."

"Oh," he said, finally nodding. Then his eyes widened. "Was Jake the father?"

"No!" I said, probably a little too forcefully. My jaw clenched involuntarily. "That would be K.C. Guthrie. My other ex."

"Ah," Eli said, his voice not betraying his thoughts. "So there's a pattern."

"Exactly," I said, glad that Eli could see where I was coming from. "I had just stopped being pissed at her for stealing K.C. and now she steals Jake."

Eli's expression flickered through so many emotions I couldn't even register them all. But the one he settled on was confusion. "Well, she didn't exactly _steal_ Jake, right? You guys have been broken up since prom; that was months ago."

"Not exactly. It was more like the middle of September, so not all that long ago in the grand scheme of things," I said, closing my eyes, as I pictured our break up. "And with K.C., she kissed him about three hours after we had broken up, so I think stealing is rather appropriate."

Eli stared at me. "You told me you broke up at prom. _We've_ been hanging out practically since September."

I looked down at my hands. "Yeah, I haven't exactly been honest with you about my breakup with Jake."

He bit his lip and looked away from me. "Why is that?"

I realized I was going to have to tell him the truth if I wanted to be with him, no matter how hard it was. "Because it was awful and humiliating and I swore I'd never tell anyone what really happened. Because if you knew, it would ruin any good feelings you had toward me."

Eli looked alarmed. "He didn't…hurt you, did he?"

I shook my head. "No." I rolled my eyes. "Jake is nothing if not a gentleman. Too much of a gentleman."

Eli looked irritated. "You told me you broke up because your parents were getting married. Why would you lie about that?"

"You see, I didn't exactly lie about that. We did break up on prom night because our parents were getting married. It's just…I neglected to mention that we got back together at the end of the summer – the night of our parents' wedding."

"Oh," he said.

"Yeah."

"Interesting timing," he offered.

"Yeah, it was less than ideal."

Eli looked pensive and took a minute before responding. "Clare, I…" He stopped and sighed. "You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to…but I think it would make me feel better if I knew."

"How would it make you feel better?" I asked curiously.

He shrugged. "It might not. But it'll go a long way to helping me learn to trust you."

I looked at him. Was he really having trouble trusting me because I hadn't told him the whole truth about Jake? I thought about the last time we were here and how much he had revealed to me. He must have trusted me to tell me about Julia and Imogen. I felt awful that my lie of omission had created a layer of distrust between us. I realized that if he was doubting me as a person, he was certainly doubting whether I had feelings for him – and that could mean that our whole relationship could be riding on this conversation.

I screwed up all of my courage and pulled my ring off my finger and handed it to Eli. "Do you know what this is?"

He looked down at the ring and read the inscription: _Pure Hearts Wait_. "I hope it's not an engagement ring," he said, his tone slightly lighter than before.

"It's not. It's a purity ring. It's supposed to be a reminder of the vow I took when I was ten that I wouldn't have sex until I was married." Eli raised his eyebrows. "Are you surprised?"

He shrugged. "I knew you were religious. I'm not surprised you want to wait, but I'm a little surprised that you wear a ring like that. I wouldn't think that's super common in Toronto."

"Not really. Especially not at Degrassi."

He looked at the ring for another moment and then very slowly slipped it onto my ring finger as I watched, holding my breath. The symbolism of the moment didn't escape me, especially when he looked me straight in the eye. "What does this have to do with…?"

I cut him off, wanting to take control of the conversation so I could keep my mind away from the weightiness of this situation. "After my parents got divorced, marriage just didn't seem like this amazing, life-altering momentous thing anymore. I mean, my father cheated on my mother. She loved him and she gave her whole life to him and he threw that all away."

My voice quivered as I continued. "And then my mom, marrying Jake's Dad… They'd only been dating for two months when they got engaged – four when they got married. If marriage was so significant, how could she do that for a relationship that had just barely come together? And if marriage is just something that you do on a whim or something that you could just throw away after more than twenty years, what was the point in saving yourself for something that might not actually matter all that much?"

Eli's face had softened considerably as I made my speech. "Just because it ended badly doesn't mean your parents' marriage didn't matter, Clare. And my parents have been together for 23 years and they're still really happy together. You shouldn't give up the dream of spending the rest of your life with someone you love just because of a few bad examples."

I shrugged uncomfortably. "I'm not saying I'll never get married or that I don't believe in love. I just…I decided that I wasn't going to save myself for marriage anymore."

Eli nodded, looking more comfortable that I would have expected. "So you slept with Jake.

I shook my head. "I bought sexy lingerie and set up all these candles and brought him into my bedroom and I climbed on top of him and I told him I wanted to have sex with him." I closed my eyes, wincing at the memory.

"And?"

"And he couldn't get away fast enough and we broke up the next morning," I said bitterly.

"So clearly he's gay?" Eli asked, trying to lighten the mood.

I glared at him. "Did you hear me when I said he's dating Jenna?"

"Sorry…I just…I think I'm missing something here."

I looked down. "I may have kind of…prefaced my offer of sex with a speech about how much I loved him and how we'd be together forever."

"Oh," Eli said, understanding. "So it wasn't the sex that was the issue. It was the commitment."

"Yeah," I said softly. "He didn't want to be with me like I wanted to be with him."

Eli gave me a tender look. "Did he say that?"

"Not in so many words."

"Well what did he say?"

I sighed in frustration. "That the chances of us being together forever were slim considering most high school relationships don't work out, let alone one as complicated as ours. That if we slept together and then we broke up, I would end up regretting it."

"That sounds like a valid argument," Eli said lightly. "And it also sounds like he wasn't telling you he didn't want to be with you the way you wanted – just that the likelihood of it was so small that it might not be worth it considering how much pain it would likely cause you."

I teared up, not wanting to hear Eli stick up for Jake. "It just sucks," I sobbed. "I loved him and he didn't even want to try to make it work. And after years of telling myself that celibacy was the only way, I finally decide to take a risk and he rejected me. What kind of guy turns down his girlfriend when she offers him sex?"

"The kind of guy who realizes that three weeks later, your parents could have walked in on you and put an end to your relationship – or that after six months of living together before you're ready to handle that you'd end up hating each other. Or maybe just a guy who knows that even without your parents, the two of you have nothing in common and you'd grow apart in a matter of weeks or months, let alone years."

He leaned over and pushed a stray curl behind my ear. "You have every right to be mad at Jake for rejecting you. I know that must have really hurt. But trust me…the fact that he didn't have sex with you under those circumstances…that makes him a good guy. It might take you a while to see that, but I have a feeling that someday you'll thank him for it."

I tried to catch my breath as I listened to Eli. He made a lot of sense as much as I didn't want to hear it. But there was something in his words that threw me off. "How do you know Jake and I have nothing in common?"

He gave me a small smile. "I've had like six classes with the guy. He's nice and everything, but I can't imagine what you two even had to say to each other."

I laughed. "Not much. We…we didn't do a lot of talking."

He flinched a little but recovered quickly. "Are you feeling any better?"

I shrugged. "A little. I mostly just feel really stupid that I went against everything I believed in for a guy who clearly didn't deserve it."

"People change their minds about that kind of stuff all the time. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have sex. He was your boyfriend. It's not like you went out and offered to gangbang the football team."

"Eli!" I slapped his arm lightly and he grinned at me. But the levity of the moment was shortlived.

"Clare, I…" He hesitated and I felt my heart drop in my stomach. "I have to ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth."

"Okay," I said slowly.

Eli looked straight into my eyes, even though his expression was pained. "Are you more upset because it's Jenna that Jake moved on to? Or because he's moving on at all and you still have feelings for him?"

I held his gaze, considering his question. I thought of how I had raged as Jake when he said Jenna's name. I thought of how it felt when we'd first broken up. I thought about the look on Eli's face when he realized what was troubling me. I thought about how my life had been for the past year and what exactly was missing from it.

"Neither," I said emphatically.

Eli looked confused. "What is it then?"

"I miss Jake," I said, reaching for Eli's arm as soon as I saw his face fall. "But I don't really miss being in a relationship with Jake. You were right; we don't have much in common and in a lot of ways we weren't really the best couple even without the fact that we're now stepsiblings. But at the time we broke up, he was the only person I really had in my life. My mom was wound up in Glen and my Dad had his girlfriend. I wasn't speaking to Alli and I hadn't really been friends with Jenna since the K.C. thing. Even school friends like Connor and Wesley – I'd sort of just given up on all of them."

A tear rolled down my cheek again. "So when Jake and I broke up, it wasn't just humiliating and it wasn't just heartbreaking. I lost my best friend – my _only_ friend. And when I think about it now, how Jake is moving on, how he has Jenna, that just means it's totally over. He has her. He doesn't need me anymore. I'm completely alone."

Eli scooted closer to me on the couch and pulled me in for a hug. "I'm your friend," he reminded me. "You're not completely alone."

I pulled back. "Yeah but things are weird and I'm here, talking to you about another guy, and I haven't known you for ages…if I get that close to you, I just know I'll end up losing you like everyone else in my life."

He shook his head. "Clare…no matter what happens between us…I'm not going anywhere."

"Thank you," I said softly.

He leaned closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "I know that feeling, you know. The loneliness. After Julia…it was just unbearable."

I leaned into him a little. "I can't even imagine. Is it any better now?"

"It's less urgent, but yeah it's still there. It doesn't help much that the friends I've made in the meantime aren't exactly around anymore. Imogen hates me and Fiona spends all of her time with Imogen. And Adam and I are cool; we don't have any issues but he's got Drew and his radio show with Dave. We don't spend much time together anymore."

"That's the hard part for me. Filling up the hours in the day. There's only so much homework you can do."

"Yeah," Eli agreed. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "You never told me what happened between you and Alli."

I made a sour face. "We're not speaking to each other."

"Why not?"

I really didn't want to tell him this story. "She kissed Jake."

He gave me a look of disbelief. "What?"

"Jake and I got into a fight at our parents' wedding and he brought a bunch of kids up to his cabin and didn't invite me. So I hitched a ride up there with Bianca and when I arrived, I found the two of them kissing."

He narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you say you and Jake got back together that night?"

"Yeah, afterward, we talked it out and decided to get back together."

He looked at me incredulously. "So you forgave Jake but not Alli?"

"_She_ kissed my boyfriend," I said, fully knowing I sounded like a petulant child.

"Wow," Eli said. "I can't believe you."

"What?" I couldn't believe the look he was giving me – mostly shocked but with a hint of disgust.

"It's a little hypocritical. To forgive the guy and hate the girl for the same crime. You weren't even dating at the time." He shook his head. "At least I finally have proof that saintly Clare Edwards is actually a sinner," he joked but it didn't work to lighten my mood.

I looked down at my hands. "The longer it's been the more I regret it. But she hates me now. I don't think she'd talk to me even if I tried."

"You were friends for a long time. I didn't even know you and I knew you were friends with her. You should talk to her. Apologize. You never know. I bet she misses you as much as you miss her."

Eli was right. And I was thinking I should probably talk to Jake too. Apologize for all these months where I've been avoiding him. It was probably still too awkward for us to be real friends, but maybe someday we'd be able to do it. Maybe it was time to make amends with my past and try to fix the future.

So that just left me with one pressing matter to figure out – Eli.

"Can I ask you a question?" He nodded and I continued before I could chicken out. "If you were in Jake's position, would you have rejected me?"

I couldn't believe how bold I was in asking him that and immediately regretted it. He looked a little shocked and it took him a moment to answer, as if the question had thrown him off kilter.

"If I were Jake," he began slowly. "And I felt the way he did – that chances are we'd end up breaking up and that sleeping together would be something you would regret…then yes. I would have done what he did. I wouldn't have slept with you."

I knew it was the right answer. But there was a little pang in my heart that wished he would have given me a different one.

"But if it were me," he continued, and that pang fluttered even more strongly. "Well…I'm not as afraid of forever as Jake is. So in that case,…if I knew you were certain…I think I would have…"

His voice trailed off as he leaned closer to me, bringing our lips together.

I pulled back with a squeak. "That wasn't an offer to sleep with you."

"I know," he chuckled. "But I've wanted to kiss you for ages, so if it's okay…?"

I nodded shyly, my cheeks flushing, and leaned in to meet his lips in a soft, gentle kiss. He deepened it slowly, his lips parting mine, and every nerve ending in my body tingled at the sweetest kiss I'd ever received.

"It's getting late," he said when he pulled back, too soon in my opinion. "Can I walk you home? And then can I kiss you goodnight?"

I could still feel the imprint of his lips on mine and I knew that this was what it felt like to not be alone. "I'd like that," I said as I slipped my hand into his, leading him toward my home.


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**So I've been trying to reach this fanfiction goal for almost as long as I've been writing (which is nearly two years at this point) and yesterday it finally happened. Instead of basking in my own personal glory, I thought I would thank you guys by giving you another chapter. **

**But I'd really, really like to thank you for reading this story, especially if you're one of the people who've been reading me since I started out writing smutty oneshots and stuck with me through the angst fics and the long-winded, 7000 word sex talks, and the even longer chapter stories. And even if you found me later, if you went back and read my other stories, if you've ever left me a review or a tweet or a gushing anonymous Tumblr message…thank you. It's all fine and good to write stories for yourself but without your support, I definitely wouldn't have made it through 45 stories, and 405,000 words (including insanely long author notes).**

**PS. Don't hate me for where this chapter ends. You know me. Trust me.**

* * *

Chapter 7

_Eli_

It had been almost a week since I had kissed Clare and all I could think about was getting to do it again. But of course, real life had interceded when a string of therapy sessions and choir practices and newspaper meetings led to a mandatory weekend at my family's cottage. I had insisted that I could stay home by myself – I had done it countless times in the past few years – but Bullfrog and Cece refused, claiming the whole point of the weekend away was to spend time together as a family even though I was certain it was that they didn't trust me.

But today none of that mattered because we were both free of any obligations and Clare had happily agreed to come over after school that day. As we walked toward my house, I nodded pleasantly as she chattered about the article she had to write for the school newspaper. It was hard for me to pay attention to her words since the only things I could focus on was the feeling of her hand in mine and the fact that in a few short moments, I'd be able to kiss her.

"I was supposed to have until Friday but Katie moved my deadline up to Thursday. I'm still waiting for the art director to respond to my email and if I don't get it until tomorrow, I won't even have a full day to write the article," Clare said.

Her statement pulled me out of my reverie. Wait…it was Tuesday? Cece was working this Saturday so it meant today was her day off. I knew that if Cece saw Clare, she would immediately put her to work baking cookies or convince her to watch the episodes of Pretty Little Liars that she had saved on our DVR.

But as we walked up to my house, I noticed Cece's car was missing. If she was out, that gave me a little bit of a shot – _if_ I could get Clare to hang out in my room. They never bothered me when I was in my room since I was usually going through my piles, which I preferred to do in private, or I was sleeping.

"Hmm, Cece isn't here," I pretended I had just noticed. "That's weird. It's her day off."

Clare shrugged. "Maybe she went to the grocery store or something. Or to get her nails done. That's why my mom always does on her days off."

"Yeah," I said slowly, trying to come up with a good excuse as Clare started walking toward the basement door. "You know, she'll probably be home soon. And she likes to spend her days off watching really bad reality shows – like the Kardashians and shit."

Clare giggled, even as she wrinkled her nose at my bad language. "I can't picture her watching that."

"You'd be surprised. For someone with such good taste in music, she's got terrible taste in TV shows," I joked. Clare didn't seem to get the hint, so I stepped between her and the door. "If she finds us down there, she'll make us watch with her."

"Well we wouldn't want that," Clare grimaced in mock horror. "We could work in here." She gestured at the dining room table.

Yeah, there was no way that was going to work – although the thought of hauling Clare up onto the edge of the table and pressing myself between her legs was appealing. "Sometimes she likes to pay the bills in here," I said, barely even convincing myself. "We could go up to my room so she won't interrupt our work." I tried to keep my voice casual, and apparently I was successful.

"Sure," Clare said nonchalantly.

Awesome. I led her up the stairs. Fortunately, I hadn't gotten a chance to fasten the combination lock this morning since I was running late for school, so we were able to avoid that awkwardness, and one positive side effect of being a hoarder was that my desk chair was covered in about ten layers of stuff so Clare had no choice but to join me on my bed. She took out a notebook and as casually as I could, I removed her backpack from the bed, leaving it in the cleared path.

She was writing notes for her article, but I didn't even bother pretending to do homework. I just watched her as she tapped her pen against her lips, her eyebrows furrowing in concentration. She was so intent on her work that it took her a few minutes to notice that I was just sitting there, openly gazing at her.

"Don't you have some work to do?" she asked, and as I watched her lips move, I couldn't take it anymore.

I leaned in and kissed her, pleased when she immediately responded to the kiss. She even dropped her pen against her notebook and ran her fingers through my hair to pull me closer. But she paused more quickly than I would have liked and giggled. "Eli! I need to work on this article."

"Can't you do that later?" I whined. "I've been thinking about kissing you all day."

She didn't refuse me when I leaned back in. "Me too."

"Oh yeah?" I asked between kisses. "Like when?"

"Oh, I don't know." She was already sounding out of breath. "Like in history…and gym class."

"Gym class, eh? Like when you were taking your clothes off in the locker room?" That thought made me instantly hard and I tried to kiss her more intensely but she pushed me away and rolled her eyes.

"Like between trying not to get hit in the head with a volleyball."

"Too bad," I teased, lowering my head for another kiss.

I couldn't help but take a mental health status check as my tongue tangled with hers. But as far as I could tell, everything was in order. This wasn't like last time, with Imogen, when I just wanted someone since I couldn't have Julia. This was Clare…and it was exactly what I wanted.

My hands were around her waist, under the pretense of caressing her gently, though my real goal was to untuck her shirt from the band of her khaki uniform skirt without making Clare freak out. It seemed to be working, especially since Clare was still preoccupied.

"I really should work on this," she said, though her lips immediately rejoined mine and I knew her protests were weakening.

"Later," I reminded her. I took the notebook off her lap and threw it across the room. When she didn't get angry, I knew I had won the argument. I leaned her back until she was lying down and gave her a grin before swooping back down and planting a line of kisses on her neck.

Her staccato breaths drew my attention to her breasts. Even last year, before I had ever talked to her, I had spent some of my time in English class surreptitiously ogling Clare's figure. The uniforms had put a damper on that; it was unfortunate that they could be unflattering even on a girl that beautiful. But that top she had worn on our movie date brought me right back. I wondered if Clare would let me take her shirt off and see them up close, but though her hands had wandered a bit, they were still firmly on top of my clothing and I didn't want to risk upsetting her.

I was starting to feel out of breath after a few minutes of really intense kissing, so I pulled back a little. Her lips were a little swollen and her face was red, and her messy curls looked angelic even as they were pressed against my skull pillow. My hand was on her neck and I grazed it over her body, glancing against her breast on the way down to her waist. Her eyes widened but she didn't say anything and I wondered if now would be a good time to take this a little farther.

"How's your belly button doing?" I asked softly as I circled her stomach lightly with my fingers.

"Good," she said, her voice a little shaky. "It's not infected or anything."

"Has your mom noticed yet?"

She smiled. "No, thank goodness. I don't exactly walk around the house with my belly button sticking out, so I'll probably get away with it unless we go to the beach this summer."

Clare on a beach – now that was a nice image. Her shirt had ridden up a little bit, and I made sure my hand occasionally smoothed over her skin. "We should definitely go to the beach this summer. I'd love to see you in a sexy bikini."

She blushed. "It's a very tasteful tankini," she corrected.

I wasn't 100% sure I knew what that was, but if Clare was wearing it, it would definitely be sexy. "As long as I get to see your sexy piercing again, it sounds good to me."

I was hoping that would lead to an invitation but Clare was mute. "Can I?" I finally asked. She pursed her lips and didn't respond and I worried again that I was pushing her too far. "Please," I whispered, unable to keep myself from begging.

"Okay," she agreed softly, quickly adding, "But you can't take my shirt off."

I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed but I made sure it didn't register on my face. I gave her a quick kiss and said, "Deal." I sat up a little and pushed up her shirt, leaving the hem a few inches above her belly button but firmly in innocent territory.

I gazed at the metal bar in awe. "That is so hot," I said, unable to contain myself. Clare looked both embarrassed and pleased but with the skin of her stomach exposed my eyes kept flickering away from her face. Finally I caved in to my craving and leaned down, pressing open mouthed kisses all around her belly button, my hands spread over her tiny waist.

Clare let out a loud moan at the sensation and I felt her back arching in my hands. "Eli," she whimpered and with the sound of her calling my name, I lost all ability to hold back.

I tore my lips from her stomach and crushed them against hers, holding her face in my hands more roughly than I had previously. I climbed over her so that my legs were between hers, shocked when she spread her legs just enough that our lower halves were pressed against each other. Her hands grabbed my ass through my pants and mine were everywhere, touching any part of her body that I could reach – her arms, her hips, her spine.

She bit my bottom lip and then trailed her kisses over my jawline and down to my pulse point, sucking and flaring her tongue over my sensitive skin. "Oh, Clare," I groaned and she shot me a proud grin before returning to my mouth. My fingers were shaking, longing to touch her everywhere, and before my conscience could talk me out of it, I slipped a hand under her shirt and groped her through her bra. Her fingernails dug into my back as I palmed her, and her hips moved against mine as I tugged her nipple into a point. I kept kissing her, harder and deeper, unable to believe how amazing this felt.

All I wanted was more. I toyed with reaching around her back to unhook her bra, but it had been a long time since I'd done that last and I suspected that as well-endowed as Clare was, her bra was probably a lot more complicated than the ones that petite Julia had worn. So I went the easy route, sliding her strap off of her shoulder and slipping my hand into her bra, cupping her naked breast.

But her body stiffened and she gasped. It definitely wasn't a gasp of "_Oh, Eli, I want you_" pleasure. It was a gasp of "_Eli, you fucked this up_."

I pulled my hand away from her and sat up in a panic. "I'm sorry!" I said immediately. "I shouldn't have taken it that far. I should have asked first. I'm so sorry."

Her expression softened immediately after my apology but I pressed on. "We can stop. It's totally fine. Let's just stop."

"It's okay," she said softly. "I just wasn't expecting that."

"I'm sorry," I repeated. "I shouldn't have pushed you."

She shook her head. "You didn't push me. It's just…well…I've never done that before."

I looked at her in confusion. "Wait, what?"

Clare's face fell in embarrassment. "You heard me," she mumbled.

"You've never done that before?" I repeated incredulously. "You mean, no one has ever touched your boobs before this moment?"

"Just through my clothes," she admitted.

I tried to connect the dots in my head but this didn't make any sense to me. "You told me you almost had sex with Jake."

She cringed. "I did."

"But he never…?"

She shook her head. I continued to gape at her incredulously even though I could tell it was making her uncomfortable. "What?" she finally asked.

I tried to figure out a tactful way to tell her that most people don't go from first base to home plate without having seen their partner naked before – at least not in high school – but I didn't want to offend her. "It just seems like you tried to jump over a whole lot of steps."

"Oh," she said, looking like she wanted to say more, but biting her lip to keep herself quiet. After a moment of thought, she sat up, bringing her face closer to mine and lacing our hands together.

"If you want," she said, so softly that if her lips weren't near my ear, I never would have heard her. "We could take that one step again."

"Really?" I asked, afraid to put my hands anywhere near her after that reaction.

"It felt really good," she whispered, her cheeks flushing.

I waited for her to reinitiate things, to start kissing me again, more gently than before. I took my time, grazing the skin of her waist with the ends of my fingertips for a while before moving back up and delicately placing my hand on her breast. "Is this okay?" I whispered, desperately hoping she would say yes.

I never could have anticipated the throaty moan she let out in lieu of an answer. She leaned back against the pillow and pulled me down with her.

We kissed for ages – could have been minutes, could have been hours – and I couldn't believe how intense it was. For someone who was apparently quite innocent, Clare was an incredible kisser. And as things went on, she got bolder, her hands too exploring under my shirt. I just kept stroking her under her shirt wishing that she would change her mind and take it off, but just trying to make her feel good within the boundaries she was comfortable in.

My heart was racing and for the first time I was glad the school required us to wear uniforms because if I were wearing skinny jeans, my cock probably would have exploded from all the pressure. It was hard enough as it was to keep myself under control, with Clare thrusting her hips against mine, gently enough that I wasn't even sure she was conscious of what she was doing, but firmly enough that it was sending jolts through my body.

Almost as if by mutual decision we pulled back at the end of a mindblowing kiss, as I held myself up over her, both of us panting. I was trying to force my brain to start working again, but I found myself speechless.

Clare's brain was clearly working better than mine, but she almost seemed shocked herself when she revealed, "I've never felt like this before," in a sexy, breathy voice.

"Like what?" I asked, but she clammed up, apparently too shy to answer. "Horny?" I asked smirking at her as her eyes widened. "Turned on? Aroused?" I drawled out, teasing her.

She wiggled underneath me, rubbing herself directly against my cock for the first time. "Frustrated," she admitted, meeting my eyes.

Was she -? Did she want me to -? My head was spinning and rather than leap to any conclusions, I needed her to tell me what she wanted. "Well, you have a few options. We could stop right now and go back to doing homework." She raised her eyebrows, encouraging me to continue. "You could go home and take a cold shower." I caressed the skin of her stomach that was still exposed, teasing her. "I'd let you use mine, but I'm pretty sure you're not going to let me watch, and that's going to make _me_ frustrated."

She gave me a smirk of her own. "You're right about that."

I leaned down and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "We could keep kissing and just try to ignore the fact that we're about to explode."

She wrapped her arms around my neck. "Or?"

I swallowed harshly. If she was looking for another option, that meant she was at least considering taking this farther. "Or, we could keep kissing and instead of making you frustrated, you could let me make you feel really, really good."

Clare closed her eyes. "I don't know," she said, but she didn't sound very convincing. She turned her head away from me, and my eyes were drawn to her neck. I leaned down to press a kiss below her ear, continuing down her neck to her collarbone, as I reached back into her shirt, dragging my thumb over her nipple.

"We're not going to have sex," I reminded her. "But if you want me to, I'd like to touch you…" My hand started a slow journey back down her stomach and my lips moved back up her neck as I whispered, "…finger you…" I sucked on her earlobe and my hand gave her one gentle stroke through the fabric of her skirt. "…get you off."

"God, Eli," she moaned, and I knew she wanted this. I just needed to make sure.

"If you don't like it, I'll stop, I swear," I pleaded. She put her hand on my cheek and looked into my eyes before biting her lip and nodding. I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I leaned down to kiss her.

I surveyed the situation, glad she decided to wear a skirt today rather than uncomfortable khaki pants. I knew if she didn't want me to remove her shirt there was no way I was getting her skirt off. I watched her face as I reached under her skirt slowly, making sure that if she wanted to change her mind, I could reverse course at any time. But though she looked a bit nervous, her hips moved in anticipation, and when I slipped a finger into her underwear, she let out a loud moan.

"You like that?" I asked, but she cut me off with a frantic kiss.

It felt amazing, touching her so intimately. She was so wet that I got two fingers inside of her with ease, though I tried to be gentle, knowing she'd never done this before – at least not with a guy. The thought of Clare touching herself like this almost made me come and I had to pull my lips away from hers and put a few centimetres of distance between her hip and my cock.

I hadn't done this in a long time – not since Julia – but fortunately it appeared that I hadn't lost my skills. Clare's head had fallen back against the pillow, her eyes closed, her mouth open in a silent "O." I shifted my hand so that my thumb brushed over her clit and to my shock and delight, Clare let out an involuntary, "Fuck."

I couldn't help myself from gaping at her in wonder. "You cursed!" I couldn't help but laugh in awe. "I told you I'd get you to curse…I just never thought it would be like this."

She socked me in the stomach. "Shut up," she said, her jaw clenched. I realized in my glee that I had been neglectful in continuing to give her a good time. I stepped up my effort, and Clare rewarded me with a series of increasingly loud moans that were such a turn on. Her back was arching off the bed and she was thrusting back against my hand.

I could tell she was getting close. I moved my other hand back into her bra and started kissing her stomach, wondering if she was still reluctant to let me see her breasts. But before I could test the waters by pushing her shirt up a little farther, Clare convulsed with a loud scream, "Ohh, Eli…" Her back came completely off the bed and she pushed my arm away, clearly sensitive after her intense orgasm.

Clare lay back down against the pillow, panting hard and I curled up next to her. I had a feeling that she probably wasn't going to offer to return the favour, and while that was fine with me if she didn't feel ready for that, I wondered if I could sneak off to the bathroom to take care of things without being too obvious. But before I could bring it up, there was a loud banging on my bedroom door.

"Eli, get your clothes on and get your ass out of there," Bullfrog said, his voice practically menacing for a guy who was usually so mellow. "We need to talk."

Clare gasped and covered her face. "Oh my God," she said softly, clearly upset that he had heard her.

"It's okay," I said, putting my arm around her waist. But she pushed me away.

"Go," she insisted.

I hated leaving her like this. But I knew Bullfrog was not the kind of guy to be patient when he was pissed off and the door was unlocked and I didn't want to have this argument in front of Clare anyway. I got out of bed, straightening my disheveled shirt, and thinking that it was ironic that neither of us had actually taken any clothes off.

I closed my door behind me and found Bullfrog pacing in his bedroom, directly across the hall. "What the hell?" I asked.

"What the hell? I should be asking you the same thing. What do you think you're doing?"

"I was having a very nice time until I was so rudely interrupted."

Bullfrog shook his head. "This isn't right. Sneaking girls up to your room… Do you even know this girl?"

I gave him a look that told him he was insane. "Of course I know this girl…it's Clare! And since when has having girls up to my room been a problem?"

"Clare? Shit, Eli, that nice Christian girl from your English class?" He sat down on the edge of his bed, putting his head in his hands. "Dammit, you're even worse than I thought. What were you thinking?"

"What the fuck, Bullfrog? When I was with Julia, you were buying us condoms and letting her sleepover. I have Clare over one time, and suddenly it's against the rules?"

"If you were in your right mind, you wouldn't be fucking her. You know it's not a good idea to get involved with a girl. You're bipolar."

My hands balled up into fists and I struggled to keep my voice down. "First of all, I'm not fucking her."

Bullfrog scoffed. "I fucking heard you guys as soon as I got in the door."

I rolled my eyes. "There's more than one way to make a girl scream."

"You shouldn't be doing anything like that. Your therapist isn't going to like this."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "My therapist is just going to have to deal. As are you. Because I'm going to be bipolar for the rest of my life, and I'm not going to give up dating."

"Well, I forbid it." Bullfrog stood up, as to give his words more authority.

"Fuck you," I said. "I'm not a little kid anymore and you can't tell me what to do."

"I'm your father."

"Well you spent seventeen years trying to be my friend, so you don't get to change the rules just because I'm crazy."

Bullfrog's face softened, but I was in no mood to hear him backpedal and tell me that I was wrong. "Could you go downstairs? I need to walk Clare home, and she's so humiliated she's never going to leave my room if she thinks she's going to see you."

"Sure," he said, his voice tight. "But this conversation isn't over."

He went down the stairs and I took a moment to get my temper back under control before I went back into Clare. She was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking just as tense as I felt, gripping her backpack. "You don't have to walk me home," she said, and I felt despair in the pit of my stomach as I realized she had overheard the entire conversation.

"I want to," I said and she nodded, not looking in my direction.

The walk home was silent and awkward, a direct antithesis of the last time we'd done this, after we kissed the first time. Instead of swinging, interlaced hands and shared smiles, there was more space between us than every before.

When we reached her front step, she turned to look at me. "I'm sor…" I began but she cut me off.

"I don't think this is a good idea."

She wasn't touching me but it felt like she had just socked me in the gut. "You mean….you don't want to...?"

"I don't know what I want," she said, her voice sounding like she was about to burst into tears. "Maybe…maybe we should just cool things off a little bit. Slow things down."

"Right," I said, taking a step back, my eyes threatening to unleash a deluge of their own.

She looked down at the ground. "We can talk in a couple of days," she said, and I felt like my heart was breaking.

"If that's what you want," I said darkly. She nodded briefly and turned around, fumbling to get her key in the lock. There was no goodbye kiss tonight.

There was just goodbye.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Hello my wonderful readers. This chapter was really important to me and I think it was a little better in my head than on paper. I know this doesn't exactly resolve the cliffhanger I left you with last chapter (although you might understand where Clare is coming from) but I promise the next chapter will. And then there will be an epilogue to conclude this fic. And then I'd really like to write some missing moment oneshots for Degrassi Showdown.**

**I do have another multi-chapter fic in my head but I'm still debating whether I have enough time to write it (it'll have to wait until we're back on hiatus for sure) and whether I really want to do it, considering I'd be hitting some of the biggest fanfiction clichés in existence.**

**Anyway, thank you for your continued support. Fanfiction . net has made it really easy for you to review now, so if you feel inclined to drop me a line and let me know what you're thinking, I'd really appreciate it.**

**Also, tomorrow is my birthday. So if you want to write me an Eclare oneshot involving kissing, sex or something in between, I would consider that an excellent present!**

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Chapter 8

_Clare_

I left Eli standing on my porch and ran up the stairs to my room, tears pouring down my face. It was just all too much. I had let Eli do things to me that I'd never thought I would do, and I'd enjoyed it so much and felt so close to him and it was just so overwhelming. Then everything was ruined. He had left the room to talk to his father, but they were both yelling so loudly I'd heard every word.

I couldn't blame his father for thinking I was some whore after what he had overheard. But that wasn't even the worst part…he forbade Eli from seeing me. I couldn't believe that after I'd finally found someone after Jake broke my heart, that it would be his parents to screw everything up for me. I was starting to feel like all of the adults in my life had conspired to keep me a lonely, sad virgin for the rest of my life.

The next morning I'd convinced my mother that I wasn't feeling well – I'm sure the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep helped – but she only let me get away with it for one day. The next two days of school were torture. I managed to avoid Eli by strategically ducking into the girls' washroom at the points I usually ran into him in the hall and eating my lunch hidden in the 600s stacks of the library. The only times he was unavoidable was English class. I took a seat across the room from him but I should have taken one in the front row instead, because I spent the entire class glancing over at him – torn between wanting to take him into an empty classroom and ask him to make feel as good as he had the other day, or running away and never seeing him again so that I could make it through the rest of my Grade 11 year with at least a piece of my heart still intact.

And the worst thing was: it wasn't just losing Eli. It was me, all alone in the world again. I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't have a best friend. I had a stepbrother, in name only, since I hadn't spoken to him in ages.

I saw Alli sitting on a bench outside after school. Part of me wanted to talk to her, to apologize for treating her so badly, especially since I had given Jake a complete pass on committing the same act. But I was in such a bad place that I knew if she rejected me – as she most likely would – I wouldn't be able to handle it. Because as much as it hurt losing Eli, he hadn't been my best friend for more than two years. And to know that our friendship was really, officially over…I wasn't ready to face that prospect.

I thought back to my conversation with Eli and realized that even if Alli might possibly never talk to me again, there was no way that could happen with Jake. Even if he was still pissed off at me, we still lived in the same house, and maybe our only interactions would be at the dinner table when prodded by our parents, but he couldn't avoid me forever.

I remembered that he had made the first move, when he had come to tell me that he was dating Jenna, and I had been the one to blow him off. I'd actually seen them together at school a few times since then, and they'd seemed very discreet about their relationship. I hadn't seen them kiss at all, and only once did I notice them holding hands in the lunchroom. Eli and I had barely been together and we'd probably done more than that at school.

And even if he wasn't ready to talk…maybe he could give me a ride home and I could pretend for just a few minutes that maybe everyone in my life hadn't given up on me.

I looked out to his truck in the parking lot and saw Jake sitting in the driver's seat, reading a book. That was a pretty odd sight; he wasn't much of a reader. I figured he was probably working on some homework reading, and if he was doing that in the school parking lot, he was probably waiting for Jenna. I wasn't ready to confront her, but as I watched for a few minutes, she didn't appear, so I made me way over to the truck and knocked lightly on his window.

He gave me a look of surprise and rolled down the window. "I can't give you a ride home," he said, though his tone was completely neutral. "I'm meeting my Dad at a job site in an hour, and it's 20 minutes in the opposite direction from our house."

"Oh," I said softly. "Well, do you have a few minutes to talk then?"

He seemed even more surprised at my overture. "Hop in," he said.

I climbed into the truck, feeling foolish as I always did in Jake's large vehicle. I wasn't a pickup truck kind of girl. I'd been in here since we'd broken up – it would have been impossible to avoid getting a ride with him every morning without arousing our parents' suspicions – but it still felt awkward, sitting next to him, so close yet so far away.

"Um…so…I wanted to say I'm sorry. For how I've treated you since we broke up." Jake looked at me in shock, and it made me feel awful that he was so surprised to hear me apologize. "I was really hurt and it was hard to be around you, and I'm sorry that I kept avoiding you and that I was mean whenever I couldn't."

Jake looked at me for a moment and then a small smile spread across his face. "Okay," he said simply.

"Okay?" It was my turn to look at him in surprise. "You're not going to make me grovel?" I felt my phone buzz in my pocket but I didn't want to interrupt the conversation to check who had texted me.

He laughed. "I don't really see the point in that. I'm just surprised it took you so long."

My face fell. "I haven't really been doing a good job of apologizing to people lately. I had to work up to it."

"That's okay," he said. He looked down at his hands for a second before looking back up at me. "And for the record, I wasn't really mad that you were avoiding me. If you hadn't been, I would have been the one doing it."

"Why?" I asked curiously.

He gave me a confused look. "The break up didn't just hurt you, you know. I didn't want things to go the way they did, and I hated that you thought I was the bad guy. And it was bad enough dealing with all of that without having to live in the same house as you and see you every single day."

I felt awful. I couldn't believe that I'd been so self-centered and hadn't even considered that Jake would have been hurt by us breaking up as well. I was so obsessed with my own loneliness and pain that I didn't even see that he was going through the same thing. I know part of me thought that even though I was the one to end it, he obviously didn't care about me if he didn't want to spend forever with me – but clearly that wasn't the case. I thought back to my conversation with Eli once again and knew there was one more thing I needed to address.

"I'm sorry," I said again. I leaned forward and pulled him into a hug, putting my mouth close to his ear as if I was afraid someone else would overhear. "And I don't think you're a bad guy. In fact, I'd really like to thank you for not sleeping with me. You were right; somewhere down the line I would have regretted it, and if that had happened, I don't think I'd be able to sit here and have this conversation with you."

Jake's hands had circled my back loosely but at my words, he let out a sigh of relief and pulled me closer. "Well, I'm really, really glad that didn't happen." He pressed a kiss into my temple, pushing my curls behind my ear, and I leaned into his embrace, resting my head on his shoulder.

Jake had held me before and kissed my forehead, and to my surprise, it actually felt a lot like it did right now – comforting, sweet, and caring. But the romance was definitely gone now and I pulled back and gave him a soft grin. "Me too."

He smirked at me. "Just so you know, if I wasn't your stepbrother, I would have been very happy to sleep with you."

I rolled my eyes at him. I wasn't going to admit it to him – but I didn't feel the same. Even without the awkwardness of our parents' marriage, I knew that Jake wasn't "the one" and despite the fact that I no longer thought a wedding ceremony was mandatory to get to that point, I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me forever.

Unfortunately, the person I was starting to feel that way about wasn't going to be part of my life.

I could feel Jake's eyes on me. "Do you want to tell me what _this_ is about?" he asked gently, gesturing at the sadness registering on my face.

I feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"For the past few weeks, you've either looked so euphorically happy that if I didn't know you better, I would think that you were getting laid." I gave him a look of shock as he continued. "Or you look like this…like you're about to burst into tears any second." He put his hand on my shoulder. "And considering we're in a better place than we have been in months, I know it doesn't have anything to do with me."

I stayed silent, considering. He had been mature and told me about Jenna and this conversation had all but confirmed that any lingering romantic feelings between us had evaporated in the months since our breakup. But I didn't want to risk doing something to harm this tenuous reunion. So I was kind of glad when it was Jake who brought up the topic. "Does this have anything to do with Eli?"

I had only mentioned his name once around Jake, when I explained months ago that we were English partners and nothing more. "What? How do you…?"

He laughed. "I have eyes, Clare. You spent your lunch hour gazing at him as if he's the hottest guy in the planet – which he isn't, I might add." Jake pointed at himself, and I couldn't suppress a grin. "And half the time I'm at the Dot, you're sitting at the front table with him, flirting shamelessly."

"I am not flirting," I defended. "We're doing homework."

"Flirtatiously," Jake teased.

He seemed to be okay with it, so I decided to tell him the truth. "Okay, okay. I admit it. I like him."

Jake didn't even flinch. "Then why are you so sad right now?"

I looked down. "We've been…seeing each other. And it just seems like we've hit one misunderstanding after another. And we keep working through them, but I think we've finally hit a problem that's insurmountable."

"It can't be worse than your parents getting married," Jake remarked.

I shrugged. "It's sort of the same thing."

Jake suppressed a laugh. "Your Dad is going to marry his Mom? Jeez, Clare, maybe you should become a nun. Clearly the universe is telling you to be single."

I rolled my eyes, even though I'd had the same thought myself. "No, you idiot. But his parents don't want him dating me."

Jake looked doubtful. "You? That doesn't make any sense. You're like a parent's dream."

"His dad doesn't think so." I realized that there was no good way to explain why his dad hated me without revealing the fact that after dating Eli for a week I'd let him get a lot farther than I ever had with Jake, even after being together for months – and spending most of that time secretly making out behind our parents' backs.

"That's crazy," he said. "What's the problem? Does he want Eli to only date Jewish girls or something?"

Considering Bullfrog had an Iron Maiden poster with a pentagram upside down on it, I was pretty sure religion wasn't his primary criterion when approving girls to date his son. "No…he just…doesn't understand our relationship. He doesn't think we're serious. I think he thinks Eli is just messing around with me."

Jake looked a little surprised. "I'm sure if you just talk to him you could convince him. I mean, you're not exactly a casual relationship kind of girl. I don't even understand how he could have gotten that impression."

I took a deep breath. "He kind of…caught us in a compromising position."

Jake's jaw tightened and I had to look away. "How compromising exactly?"

"I didn't sleep with him," I said, but I didn't offer any more information.

Jake looked displeased, but fortunately he changed the subject. "Well, I don't think you're going to accomplish anything by sitting here, getting upset about this. You're just going to have to talk to his parents, and show them you're an awesome girl. Hell, you're probably the best thing to ever happen to Eli."

I looked at him sideways. "He's a really good guy."

Jake nodded. "I know. I've had like six classes with him." He smiled wryly. "And if you took away the black clothes and the nail polish, I can actually see that you guys would be good for each other."

I smiled. "I like the black clothes and nail polish."

He laughed. "Don't you go goth on me now. We wouldn't want Helen to die of a heart attack."

I tried to picture myself with black lipstick and fishnets, and I joined him in laughter at that insane image.

"Thanks Jake," I said, giving him another quick hug. "I feel a lot better now."

He smiled. "Good." He leaned over and poked me in the stomach. "So does Eli have anything to do with that belly button ring you've been hiding for the past two months?"

I looked at him wide-eyed. "How do you know about that?"

He rolled his eyes. "You might want to stop wearing those little tank top pajama things down to the kitchen in the morning. Every time you reach up to grab a bowl from the cabinet it sticks out. I can't tell you how many times I've had to jump in front of you to keep Helen from seeing it."

It warmed my heart a little that in spite of the fact that I'd been so mean to him for so long that Jake had been sticking up for me. But I couldn't help but tease him back. "You're one to talk. Sometimes I wonder if you ever own a shirt, because you never seem to wear one when you're in the house."

"Hey, I'm not the one who has to hide a secret piercing." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Besides, you know you like it."

I shoved him lightly in the chest and stuck my tongue out at him. "Not anymore."

"That's okay," he joked. "Jenna does."

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't really want to hear about that."

He laughed. "Like I want to hear about you and Eli and your compromising positions."

I smiled at him. "I wonder if the fact that we're grossed out by hearing about each other's sexual experiences means we're ready to be stepsiblings."

Jake grimaced. "Just hearing you say the words 'sexual experiences' kind of grosses me out." He laughed. "But I do think that belly button ring is kind of sexy, so maybe we should push the sibling thing off for a while and just try to be friends."

"That sounds like a plan." I couldn't help but feel a little vindicated that Jake did think I was sexy despite rejecting me, but I knew it didn't matter. I was happy to be Jake's friend, and the only person I wanted to think that I was sexy was Eli.

Jake gave me a tender look. "I know right now things aren't going great. But I hope you fix things with Eli. Because clearly he makes you happy and that's all I care about for you."

"Thank you," I said softly. "Does Jenna make you happy?"

He shrugged. "I have a lot of fun hanging out with her. But I don't think it's an epic romance for the ages. It's okay though. Neither of us is really looking for that right now." He peered at me. "I do know one thing that would make Jenna happy – if the two of you became friends again."

I thought back to how I felt after she had stolen K.C. from me – and how differently I felt now. "I'd like that," I said. "But I think I need to fix things with Alli first. I don't want to put Jenna in the middle."

"You should," Jake said. "And then you can talk to them about your boy problems and leave me out of it."

"But I'm going to need my big brother," I whined jokingly, but I couldn't even keep a straight face through it. "Nope…still weird."

My phone buzzed again. I pulled it out to find a text message from my mother letting me know she was working late and I was on my own for dinner. But there was a previous text message from Eli.

_It's been a few days. We should talk. I'll be at the Dot if you want to meet me. – Eli._

Jake squeezed my shoulder. "Go talk to him. I'd give you a ride, but I'm already gonna be late and my dad is going to be pissed."

"Thanks," I said. "See you at home." I pecked him on the cheek and climbed out of his truck.

I'd finally fixed things with Jake. Now it was time to do the same with Eli.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**There's one more chapter after this – an epilogue – and then it's over. Thank you so much for reading and especially for reviewing. It might not mean a lot to you, but it really does give me the motivation to keep writing Eclare stories, even though I'm old and busy.**

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Chapter 9

_Eli_

It had been three days since Clare had spoken to me, and I was going out of my mind. Her avoidance was particularly glaring when she managed to miss school the first day and for the next two, I only saw her in English class. I kept looking at her, hoping she'd give me a sign that she was ready to talk. I was terrified that this was the end, that after getting so close to her, she'd realized I wasn't what she wanted.

It was hard enough to keep my emotions under control under the best of circumstances. I knew that if I didn't talk to Clare soon, the chances of me having a breakdown were larger than I'd like, and that would only serve to prove Bullfrog right. I knew I was ready to be in a relationship, especially one with someone as supportive as Clare, but I just…I needed to know if she still felt the same way.

I tried to catch Adam up on the situation after school but before I could really get into it, Drew appeared and grabbed him by the elbow. "Mom's got us scheduled for dentist appointments. She'll kill us if we're late." So I was alone again as I walked out of the front doors of Degrassi. All I knew was that I needed to change that.

I pulled out my phone and texted Clare. _It's been a few days. We should talk. I'll be at the Dot if you want to meet me_. I signed my name just in case she was so serious about getting away from me that she deleted me from my phone. I knew it was insane but I took a second to close my eyes and…not pray, but I guess wish that Clare would get the message and she would come to me.

But when I opened my eyes, I saw Clare. She wasn't bounding up to me, telling me she got my text and would be happy to go to the Dot with me and clear everything up.

She was sitting in the front seat of Jake Martin's red pickup truck.

I tried to reason with myself as I watched them. She's his stepsister. He's giving her a ride home. She probably forgot to turn her cell back on after school. But they seemed to be deep in a conversation when Clare leaned over and pulled him into a hug.

I had to move to the side of the stairs, to grab on to the railing, in order to prevent myself from running over to the truck and pulling her away from him. The impulse to punch Jake in the face grew even stronger as I realized this hug was not ending. And when Jake leaned down and kissed her temple as she buried her face in his shoulder, I sank to the ground.

It was over.

She wanted him.

Tears welled in my eyes, but I knew I'd look like the world's biggest wuss crying over a girl on the front steps of the school, so I clenched my jaw, trying to hold them back. I looked away from the awful sight, trying to think about any other thing in the world than the sight of Clare in Jake's arms.

I saw a shadow stretch out over the stairs and felt a small hand on my shoulder. "Why so glum, chum?"

I looked up to find the last person I would ever expect: Imogen Moreno. "You're talking to me?" I asked.

"Why not?" she asked glibly.

"Well you haven't in the past eight months."

She shrugged. "That was long enough." She linked her arm in mine and pulled me to my feet. "Want to get a milkshake at the Dot? We can catch up."

I was so confused I barely was able to respond "Sure," before Imogen tugged me in the right direction. She didn't let me get a word in edgewise as she told me about the new musical instrument she had just invented that involved water glasses and record players. All I wanted to do was apologize but she didn't stop to take a breath for the entire walk to the Dot.

A waiter was clearing off a table as we arrived and Imogen dove into a seat before someone else could. "I'll have a strawberry milkshake," she trilled, looking at me expectantly.

"Uh…coffee. Black," I ordered.

Imogen leaned in as the waiter walked away. "So are you going to tell me why you look like a lost puppy dog today?"

What the hell? We hadn't spoken in months and all of a sudden Imogen was acting like nothing had ever happened? At least she finally was giving me a chance to speak. "Imogen, I just want to tell you how sor-" I started, but she held up her hand.

"You don't need to apologize."

"Yes, I do," I said emphatically.

She shook her head. "Eli, you've already apologized a million times. As I recall, there were fifteen texts, at least twelve emails, two notes on my locker, a whole bunch of voicemails…I lost count of all the times you tried to talk to me at school." She smiled as I looked at her incredulously. "My favourite was the handwritten letter you sent me. Though deciphering your chicken scratch wasn't exactly the easiest, but you got your point across."

I stared at her. "I wrote you that when I was in the hospital. That was months ago."

"Well, I've finally decided to accept your many apologies. So now we can get on with our lives."

I still couldn't believe this was happening. "Why now?" Part of me wondered if she had been secretly stalking me again and realized that things between me and Clare had gotten so bad, and decided it was time to make a move again.

But the smile dropped off her face and a side of Imogen that she very rarely let people see appeared, and I instantly felt awful for thinking the worst of her. "You really hurt me, Eli. And I had built you up in my head to be this perfect guy and you treated me so horribly. And when I found out about your illness, the first thing I thought was that it was okay. Because there was a reason for it. And I thought that if I went to see you in the hospital, if you got treatment, you'd see that you really did care about me. I totally excused everything horrible you had done and just wanted to go on, loving you just as much as I had before."

Her story made me feel awful, but on top of that, really confused. "I don't understand."

The waiter brought over our drinks and she stared down at her milkshake, unable to meet my eyes. "I was going to be on your doorstep when you got home, with a sign that said, "Welcome Home, Eli. We love you." And I talked to Fiona to see if she wanted to join me, and she just started yelling at me." Imogen laughed. "She basically told me I was an idiot and that just because you were sick, it didn't give you an excuse to treat me badly."

I laughed wryly. "Fiona is a smart one."

Imogen nodded. "She convinced me to give it some time and space and to distance myself from you, so I could get some perspective on things. And I knew she was right, that if you got better and it was meant to be, it would happen."

My heart sank. "Im-," I started again, but she cut me off again.

"So I've been waiting, for a long time. And I didn't let myself talk to you, no matter how sweet your apologies were, or how smart your answers in class were. I gave myself some time to figure out how I felt about you and how I felt about myself. And a few weeks ago, the answer that I'd been suspecting for a while but still wasn't sure about became very clear."

She looked me straight in the eye. "I'm over you."

As relieved as I was to hear it, I wasn't sure how to respond. "Well…uh…that's good, I guess."

She laughed and slapped my hand. "Of course it is, silly. And now we can be friends again."

Imogen sounded so pleased that I couldn't help but grin at her. "Well, I'm really happy to hear that."

"So now are you going to tell Love Doctor Moreno what your troubles are?"

I snorted at her earnest nickname. "How do you know I have a love problem?"

She smiled. "Aren't they always? Besides, you've been attached at the hip with Clare Edwards for the past few months and I don't see her anywhere."

My heart sank as Imogen reminded me that Clare clearly didn't want to talk to me, since she hadn't shown up at the Dot in response to my text. She was probably making out with Jake in his truck. Hell, now that she knew what actually hooking up with a guy was like, they'd probably gone home to his bedroom and after seeing how sexy Clare was when she got off, there was no way Jake would be able to reject her this time.

I didn't want to get into all of that though, so I tried to play it cool. "I have not," I said. "She's my English partner," I said, trying out the words, hating the fact that this was the only statement I could make about her with any sort of accuracy.

Imogen gave me a pitying look. "You don't have to deny it. Fiona tells me everything."

"Remind me to stop telling Fiona anything," I grumbled.

"And besides, I really am over you. You don't have to feel weird." She made a few weird yoga breathing noises. "Just let it out."

I shrugged. The whole situation was too depressing to recount. "So how have you been?" I asked.

"Classic change-the-subject move, Eli Goldsworthy," she chided, though it didn't stop her from answering my question. "I've been really, really good," she said, grinning. "In fact, I have found a new paramour."

I'd admit that I'd been distracted by Clare lately but Imogen was in a few of my classes and my lunch hour and I hadn't noticed her hanging out with anyone new. "That's nice," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. "Who's the lucky guy?"

She smirked in a way that I didn't understand, and then gasped in delight. "Oooooh!" she squealed happily. "Now that we're friends again, maybe you could give me some advice."

"Sure," I said. I was getting down to the end of my cup and took a big sip to finish it.

"How do you perform cunnilingus on a girl?" she asked sweetly and I was so shocked that the coffee spurted out of my mouth and covered the poor girl. She grimaced and dabbed at her shirt with a napkin while I choked and coughed, trying to catch me breath.

"Jesus Christ, Imogen," I said, grabbing some napkins from another table and handing them to her. Fortunately, her shirt was dark, so hopefully I hadn't wrecked it permanently.

"What?" she asked innocently. "I just figured that you're my only friend who's experienced in that field so I thought I'd ask for your help."

"What do you want, a demonstration?" I joked. The thought of going down on my extremely attractive friend wasn't exactly unappealing though that made me think of Clare, which just made me upset that not only would I not get to do that to her, she probably wouldn't even care if I bent Imogen over the table and went to town on her.

Imogen rolled her eyes. "I think that would go a bit beyond the bounds of "just friends," Eli." She frowned at her milkshake, which was also ruined by my outburst. "I'm just looking for some advice."

"I'm sure your boyfriend has watched enough porn that he'll be able to figure it out," I explained, not really sure what she was looking for.

She shook her head. "I've never done it before and I just want to know how to make it really good."

I repeated her last sentence three times in my head until I was sure I had figured it out. "You're…Oh my God, you and Fiona…you're…lesbian…sex…wow," I stuttered unintelligibly.

She giggled. "Remember to breathe, Eli," she teased. But she looked serious for a minute. "Are you sure you're okay with it?"

"Okay?" I joked. "That's the hottest thing I have ever heard in my life."

"Eli!"

"I'm serious. You know I'm on board with gays and lesbians. Of course, I think it's awesome that two of my best friends are happy together." She smiled and I thought back to what she said earlier. "Clearly Fiona isn't telling _me_ everything."

"I asked her to wait. I wanted to tell you myself – once I was really sure," Imogen explained.

I couldn't help but ask her my next question. "So, does that mean you got over me because you realized you're a lesbian?"

She shook her head. "No, I got over you because I realized you're not good for me. And over the course of the past few months, I have realized that Fiona is." She leaned in closer. "I'm not really sure I know what that means 100% but Fiona told me it's okay if I'm still figuring out the nomenclature. She knows how I feel about her."

I grinned. "And soon she'll know exactly how you feel about her – intimately."

Imogen swatted my hand again. "And that's why I need your advice! I need to know how to make it really good for her."

I laughed. "Just get her to do it to you first, and do what she did." I couldn't get an image of what that would look like out of my head. "And if you're really unsure, take a video and I can critique your performance."

Imogen's face lit up until she realized what I meant. "Ewww, Eli," she giggled and the two of us couldn't stop laughing.

I reached over and put my hand on hers. "I'm glad we're talking again. I've really missed you."

Before she could respond, someone standing next to our table cleared her throat. I looked up and saw Clare, staring at Imogen and me with a look of venom in her eyes. I pulled my hand back from Imogen and opened my mouth to explain but she cut me off.

"In case you were wondering, Eli, that's Imogen. Not Julia."

My mouth fell open in shock at Clare's deliberately cruel tone. She turned on her heel and stomped out of the Dot as I stared after her unable to speak.

I turned to Imogen who looked as deflated as I felt. "I'm so sorry," I said, unable to believe that Clare had said something so unbelievably bitchy to a girl she barely even knew just to hurt me. And I knew no matter how much it hurt me, it would hurt Imogen even more.

Imogen waved me off. "It's fine," she said, but her voice wavered. "Go talk to her."

"I'm not going to leave you…"

"Eli," she said forcefully. "Go."

I felt awful leaving her, but at this point, all I wanted to do was give Clare a piece of my mind. I pulled out enough money to cover the check and a tip and handed it to her. "I'm sorry," I repeated. "I'll call you later." I took off after Clare.

Fortunately, she hadn't gone far. I saw her a block down the road, standing near the bench where we'd worked on our English assignments when we first became English partners. Her shoulders were hunched over and I could tell she was crying but I was so pissed off I didn't care.

I stalked over to her. "What the fuck, Clare?" I roared. "How could you say that in front of Imogen? I don't know why you're so pissed at me, but she sure as shit didn't deserve that."

Clare visibly flinched at my volume and language but her face hardened right after. "Of course you'd stick up for your new girlfriend. Tell me, how long have you had feelings for her? You were probably thinking about her the other day when we…" She broke off with a loud sob, betraying her attempt at stoicism.

"When we what, Clare? When we fooled around and had an amazing time together and then twenty minutes later, you decide to dump me on your front porch? Why the fuck would I have been thinking about Imogen if you were the one to break things off? Oh I know, so you could run home and try out all that new sex stuff with the guy you really want, Jake."

She looked horrified. "What are you talking about? I didn't dump you. And I certainly don't want Jake."

"Right, because people always snuggle up in the front seat of cars with their stepbrothers."

"We were just…" she trailed off softly, before her voice grew confident and angry again. "You were the one who told me I should make up with him. I was thanking him for not screwing me over and now that I know what that feels like, I should thank him again."

"You do that," I taunted. "I know exactly how you can thank him. You can just throw yourself at him again. Maybe Jesus won't mind if you fuck your stepbrother."

"Fuck you, Eli!" she screamed and I took a step back at the force of her fury, surprised that even in a moment of excruciating anger that Clare Edwards would say the f word. "I can't believe you. You're the one who seduced me one minute and the next got back together with the freaky stalker that you didn't even like in the first place."

"Imogen and I are friends. FRIENDS," I repeated, teasing out the word. "And we've only been friends for a total of about 20 minutes and I'm pretty sure you've managed to ruin that too. So why don't you stop ruining my life and go back to Jake if that's what you want so much?"

"It's not," she cried softly.

I groaned in exasperation. "Then what do you want from me? Why did you break up with me? Why did you let me kiss you and touch you and feel things for you and then tell me you need space?" There was more I wanted to say but a sob caught in my throat and I was embarrassed to realize that tears were streaming down my face as well.

"Because I'm falling in love with you."

I stared at her. She looked almost as surprised as I did. "What?" I asked, more gently than anything else I had ever said to her.

"Because I'm falling in love with you," she repeated, more firmly but at the same time, tenderly. "And I am absolutely terrified."

"Oh God, me too," I said. I strode over to her and gently grabbed her wrists, pushing her up against a nearby telephone poll before closing the gap between us with a desperate, passionate kiss. Her hands broke out of my confinement and cradled my head and my neck while I grasped her waist, afraid that if I let go of her, I would lose her once again.

Her lips pulled back from mine but it was only to draw our bodies closer. She stood on her tiptoes to press her cheek against mine, intermingling our tears. We held each other, trying to catch our breaths and our thoughts.

"Please tell me you want this," I whispered.

"I do, Eli," she promised, bringing our lips together once again.

After a few minutes, I took her hand and led her to the bench, pulled her down onto my lap and wrapping my arms around her waist. "I'm going to crush you," she protested and though I knew she was referring to her weight, the words meant more to me than that.

"No you won't," I said and she seemed to catch my multiple meanings.

Clare had a pained look on her face. "I don't even know what to say…where to begin."

"Why don't you start with what happened the other night?" I coaxed.

"The other night when we…" she trailed off.

I stared at her. Fuck, was that what this was about? I knew it. I let my hormones run wild and convinced Clare to do things she wasn't ready for. No wonder she pushed me away. She must be terrified of me. I stood up rapidly, pushing her off my lap and onto her feet in the process.

"What are you…?" she began, but I cut her off before she could finish. She sat back down on the bench and watched me warily as I paced in front of her.

"This is all my fault. I pushed you and you weren't ready. I knew it. I knew it. Fuck!" I covered my face with my hands.

"You knew what?" Clare asked, tugging my hands away from my face.

"I knew I was going to hurt you. I always do this."

"Eli, no," she said softly. "You have this all wrong. Here. Sit." She dragged me back to the bench and I sat down next to her, my hands still shaking. She pulled my hands into hers. She cleared her throat. "I'll admit that after what happened, I was a bit…overwhelmed."

I tried to apologize once again but she cut me off. "But you didn't push me. It was just all really new to me and it was really fast, and that's why I was nervous about it. But everything I did with you was my own decision. I was really curious what it would be like and…" She blushed furiously. "It was pretty incredible."

"Then why did you…?"

She cut me off again. "It wasn't about that. Not mostly, anyway. After everything that happened, I was feeling so amazing and euphoric and…close to you," she said tenderly. "And then your dad knocked on the door."

"I'm really sorry about that."

She nodded. "That was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my entire life, and trust me when I say that I am no stranger to embarrassment." Her lip pouted as if she was about to start crying again. "And then I heard him tell you that you shouldn't be dating, that your therapist wouldn't like it. That it wasn't like you."

"Clare," I said softly.

"And it just killed me, the thought that maybe he wouldn't let us be together…that this whole relationship could be bad for you. And especially after I let you…it terrified me that I had gotten so close to you and I could lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," I assured her.

"But your dad doesn't want you to date anyone. And he hates me."

I looked at her like she was crazy. "He doesn't hate you. If it weren't for my diagnosis, Bullfrog would be doing backflips that I'm dating a girl like you."

"He thinks I'm a whore," Clare's voice trailed off at the last word, and as much as I knew I shouldn't, I burst out into laughter.

"Oh Clare." I put my arms around her. "That is so far from the truth, it's not even funny."

"I think you're wrong," she said.

"I _know_ you're wrong," I explained. "Not only does Bullfrog think that sex is a healthy part of any relationship and wouldn't consider anyone a whore for doing what we did the other day, but after I walked you home and you… I talked to him. I sat down and told him exactly how I felt about you. How I had told you about Julia and Imogen and the hoarding and how you had been so supportive. How I felt so good whenever I was around you that I wanted to be better – and how even though I was feeling good, the meds were working and I hadn't even come close to a manic state."

"He was surprised," I continued. "And the reason he was surprised was because I had kept this all from him. Because before my diagnosis, I was really close with my parents. I basically told them everything. But after, they kept treating me like a child, and I pulled away from them. I didn't want them to know everything because I didn't want them to worry about me. But once I talked to my dad, he understood that what you and I have…it's something special. And he really wants to get to know you better, though I told him after how bad he embarrassed you, you'd probably never want to have anything to do with either of us again."

"That makes me feel a lot better," she admitted, after a long pause.

"So are we okay?"

Clare was silent for a minute. "You're sure there's nothing going on between you and Imogen?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not even a little bit. I'm surprised she would ever want to be my friend again after how I treated her. This is the first time I had talked to her in ages and she's finally ready to be friends again. But neither of us wants anything more. Especially me."

I almost told her about Imogen and Fiona but I realized that I wasn't exactly sure how Clare felt about gay and lesbian couples. She seemed pretty open-minded for being so religious but we had never talked about it so I couldn't be sure. I realized there was still so much I didn't know about Clare and couldn't wait to learn all of her feelings and beliefs – even if we disagreed on certain things, it was always fun to argue.

Clare was placated for a moment but then grasped my arm. "Oh my God, I was so horrible to her. I can't even believe I said that. I wanted to hurt you but…that must have been so awful for her."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the most fucked up thing you've ever said," I teased.

She wrinkled her nose. "Language, Eli." She sighed. "I feel awful. Can you text me her phone number so I can call her later and apologize?"

"Sure." I pulled out my phone and looked up the number. I hoped it would take Imogen less time to forgive Clare than it had taken her to forgive me.

"I hope you know, today, with Jake. I really just was apologizing to him. I hugged him because I was so relieved that he didn't hate me after everything we went through."

I thought about how irrationally angry I had gotten after seeing them together. But now, after she told me that she loved me, I didn't even have to ask. "I know. I shouldn't have overreacted."

She slipped her hand into mine. "Why did you? I mean, you were the one who told me to talk to him."

I shrugged. "I guess I felt the same way you did. That the other day we got so close to each other, and then it felt like I had lost you. You even skipped school to avoid me. I thought you had changed your mind."

"Like you should talk. You avoided me for a full week after our first date."

"You were grounded," I protested.

She leaned in and gave me a quick kiss. "No more misunderstandings. No more avoiding each other. If we have a problem, we need to talk to each other."

"Sounds like a plan," I said.

She folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them. "About…about taking things slow, though. I still think that's a good idea. I'm not sure I want to go far as we did the other day, not at first at least…and I know I'm not ready to sleep with you."

I pushed a curl behind her ear and touched her cheek, urging her to look at me. "Well, that's good because I'm not ready to sleep with you either."

"Really?" she asked, a smile spreading across her face.

"Well, there's the matter of protection. Having the house to ourselves. And candles or twinkly lights or something. Music to set the mood – we don't even have a song yet, Edwards," I teased. "And most importantly – you have to know for sure that you're ready. When all of that is in place, I will be more than happy to sleep with you." She smiled and I caressed her cheek. "And if you decide you'd like to be wearing a white dress and a brand new ring on the day it happens, that's okay with me too."

She smirked. "At this point, I doubt it. But that means a lot to me that you were the one to bring it up."

It was crazy. I was seventeen years old. But as I looked into Clare's eyes, I could see the possibility of us, walking down an aisle together someday far off in the future. It wasn't a sure thing. It probably wasn't even likely. But I knew that spending forever with this girl would make me happier than anything else I could possibly do.

"I love you," I whispered, leaning in for one more kiss.

She didn't have to say the words. She didn't let me go.


	10. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob**

**I'm sure most of you are well aware of my bout of fanfiction depression either from my Tumblr or from the first chapter of I Only Want To Be With You. I'd really like to thank you for your overwhelming support. So many people took to time to write a review of that story or send me a tweet or a Tumblr message, and it truly made me feel happy and ready to continue in this sometimes difficult world of Degrassi fanfiction. I really wanted to send you author review responses and tell how how much I appreciated it directly but my free time is limited nowadays and I think most of you would prefer that I spend it writing. **

**My only request is that you don't disappear on me. A few people mentioned that they don't review often because they feel like they just say the same thing over and over. You don't have to tell me I'm amazing. Pick out a line you particularly liked or a detail. Reviews that say, "I cracked up when Eli was going to whip it out right there on the patio," or "You did a good job of keeping Jake in character" are more helpful than you could ever know. I'd rather have a one sentence review like that, than a three paragraph essay on why I'm awesome (although those of course are always welcome). **

**This is the final chapter of Into Your Arms. I'll be finishing up I Only Want To Be With You hopefully soon, and then I'll be starting my next chapter fic. I've outlined it and right now it's set to be 21 chapters long – which is rather frightening. I'm very nervous on how that one will be received and I hope you can take your good feelings toward me and apply them to any concerns you might have over the premise of that fic.**

**Just an FYI, this plot has been in my outline since before the episode descriptions were released and before I read Takethecurve's somewhat similar premise as well. Oh well. No fist fights will be happening here.**

* * *

Chapter 10

_Clare_

"I know a place where I can go when I'm alone. Into your arms, whoa, into your arms, I can go." – Into Your Arms as popularized by The Lemonheads

(a few months later)

"Thanks for the ride, Jake," I said. "Are you sure you guys don't want to come with us?" We had just picked up Alli and Jenna, and Jake was dropping Alli and I off at Eli's since we were going out together to celebrate my 17th birthday.

"That's okay," he said. "Jenna and I have been wanting to see Damaged Goods for a while." He and Jenna had decided a while ago that they were better off as friends, but they still spent a lot of time together.

I climbed out of his truck and pushed the seat forward so Jenna and Alli could hop out. "Happy Birthday, Clare Bear," Jenna said, giving me a hug before getting back in the car. I wrinkled my nose; that nickname was one thing I hadn't missed during the time Jenna and I weren't friends. But I was glad that we'd made up, especially since she spent a lot of time at our house since the Bhandaris were so strict.

As Alli and I waited for Eli to answer the door, I noticed that Jake's truck hadn't moved. He and Jenna were talking and I wondered what they were doing. Jake noticed me watching them and waved, turning the car back on.

"So are you sure you're ready for tonight?" Alli teased, her eyes sparkling.

"Shut up," I hissed. "He doesn't know." She rolled her eyes. I wanted to respond but Eli answered the door, looking especially handsome in a black buttoned down shirt.

"M'lady," he said, leaning in for a kiss.

"Get a room," Alli groaned.

"I have one upstairs," Eli grinned. "Shall we?"

"That wouldn't be very nice of us," I said. "Is Adam here? Should we get going?" We had decided to go out for dinner at a nicer place than Little Miss Steaks or the Dot – where we usually hung out. Eli had suggested that he take me out himself, but I requested that we invite Alli and Adam along – wanting to share the night with our best friends.

"He is, but I think Cece wants to give you your present first. They're down in the basement."

I stowed my purse on the dining room table and headed downstairs. For some reason the light that usually lit up the basement were out and I had to grip the banister carefully as I led Alli and Eli down the stairs.

"SURPRISE!"

I almost fell over as Eli flipped the light switch and I saw the room was filled with people. There were balloons and streamers everywhere and I turned around to see Eli looking very pleased with himself.

"I can't believe you did this." I threw my arms over his shoulders and he pulled me closer in response.

"What? You don't think I'm the party throwing type?" He grinned at me and though I knew a lot of people were watching me, I couldn't help but lean in and give him a kiss.

"Hey, none of that," Jake joked, coming up behind us. "That's my sister you're defiling over there."

"I thought you were going to the movies," I said, slugging him in the arm.

He shrugged. "Just an excuse. I thought it'd look weird if Jenna and I crashed your double date."

Alli frowned. "Eww, me and Adam? That's just wrong." She found Dave standing over near a table that was set up with snack food and bounded over to him, planting a huge kiss on his lips as if to show us all he was hers.

"Was it something I said?" Jake joked.

I laughed. "Alli and Adam are friends – through Dave at least. She'll just take any excuse to make out with him."

I recalled for a second how Alli had once made out with Jake himself. It had taken me a long time to get over that – and once I did, the damage had been done. She was the last of all my friends to accept my apology, and she had only given me a chance to do that when I had gotten Mr. Betankamp to assign us as partners on a physics assignment and I'd started the apology in front of her parents. But it was just enough that she was willing to talk about it, and once I found out that Dave had cheated on her and that she'd kissed Jake because he was there and she was hurting, I felt a lot better. Fortunately, she'd missed our friendship as much as I had and she was willing to give me another shot.

And thank God I had her. She had given me so much helpful advice over the last few months as I tried to navigate my relationship with Eli. I didn't think there was anyone else I could have gone to – not even Jenna – to ask some really embarrassing questions that left both of us blushing. She'd even gone to the store with me to purchase the condoms I had hidden in my purse upstairs.

"Seriously," Jenna said. "The second her parents go out, she texts Dave to come over and kicks me out of our room. So annoying."

"Poor baby," Jake teased. "Her parents keep you from being homeless."

"Hey, watch it. If she kicks me out, I'll be crashing at the Edwards-Martin household."

"On the Edwards-Martin couch," Jake said.

Jenna tugged on his arm. "Come with me. I'm gonna get a beer."

I swung around and noticed that that there was quite a bar set up next to the food table and looked at Eli skeptically. He shrugged. "Can't have a party without booze."

"I'm pretty sure you can," I said. I wasn't sure exactly what kind of party he was intending, but it was my birthday after all.

He shook his head. "Come on, Clare. Half of these people have never even drunk alcohol before. No one here is going to get too crazy. I'll make sure of it."

I saw Wesley holding a can of beer, his other arm draped over Hannah's shoulders as they talked to K.C., who had a can of Coke in his hand. Connor was studying Bullfrog's record collection, emptyhanded. Imogen was on the couch with Fiona, laughing at something that would probably only be funny to her. A tiny blonde girl whom I didn't know but looked vaguely familiar was perched on the edge of the loveseat, looking uncomfortable. Drew was sitting in Bullfrog's chair with Bianca on his lap. There were red solo cups on the side table next to them, but they were too busy making out to notice them.

Adam came over with a plate piled with chips, pretzels and every other snack food known to man, and a beer in the other hand, awkwardly holding up his arms so I could give him a hug despite the stuff he was carrying. "Happy Birthday, Clare."

"What are your brother and Bianca doing here?" I asked. I had gotten pretty close with Adam in the months since Eli and I had started dating, but I hadn't had more than a conversation with Drew, and the last time I'd talked to Bianca was when she drove me up to Jake's lakehouse.

Adam shrugged. "I told them there'd be free alcohol."

I gave Eli a pointed look. "They're not even drinking," he protested. "They'll probably have sex in that chair before they get wasted."

"Gross," I said, thinking of all the times I had sat in that chair.

"Come on," he said, placing his hand on the small of my back. "The birthday girl needs a drink."

"No, I don't," I said.

"I got your favourite," he teased. He pulled a bottle of wine out of an ice bucket and I recognized it as one that Cece had opened one night when I was over for dinner. I'd been surprised to discover I liked the taste and consumed three glasses of it – way too much for a lightweight like me.

"You're trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me," I whispered accusingly, though really I didn't mind. Though I certainly would have let him do it eventually, the alcohol had given me enough courage to let Eli take off my shirt for the first time after my self-imposed "taking it slow" period. I had wanted to for a while, but I was nervous about taking the leap again, and I ended up being very happy with the result.

He put his hand on my face. "I would never take advantage of you," he said seriously, but his face immediately broke out in a smirk. "You're the one who can't resist me even when you're sober."

"Ha. Ha." I said.

He poured a large amount of wine into a glass goblet and handed it to me. "Go entertain your guests."

I felt a little foolish drinking out of a fancy glass when everyone else had beer or soda cans or solo cups. But I made my way through the room, thanking everyone for attending. K.C. told me about his plans to drive out to British Columbia with his mother this summer to check out UBC. Wesley asked me if I knew that the alcohol content in my glass of wine was the same as a shot of vodka.

Connor gave me an awkwardly wrapped package with a bow on top. "Ms. Nelson made me put the bow on it."

I almost sputtered out my drink as I remembered that Alli and I had once stolen a very personal item from Ms. Nelson herself and wondered if she had figured out it was me. I was relieved to open the box to find a tin of homemade cookies. "Thanks Connor," I said, giving him a hug as he patted my back.

I was taking a sip of wine – realizing that I'd nearly finished this large glass and that if I wanted my plans for the night to go off without a hitch that I'd need to switch to water soon – as I stepped up to Fiona and Imogen. I realized my error in judgment at the last second. "Fiona, I'm so sorry." I shot a glare at Eli across the room who was chatting with Dave near the stereo. "I don't know why Eli thought we needed to drink at this party. I hope you're not uncomfortable."

"It's fine," Fiona reassured me. "I've got 10 months sober. And frankly, you couldn't pay me to drink this swill. There's no temptation here."

Imogen linked her arm with Fiona's. "Besides, she's got me to be her sober buddy for the night."

Imogen had immediately accepted my apology for the horrible remark I had made to her at the Dot months ago. I had never quite understood the quirky girl, but she was nice to have around when you needed a pick up. Fiona wasn't as welcoming as Imogen; Eli had explained that she was very guarded around people, but even after all these months, I still wasn't even sure if she liked me. But she had decided to attend my birthday party so maybe there was still a chance for us to be real friends – for Eli's sake anyway.

"Well I'm glad you guys have each other," I said, searching the room for friendlier faces. Most of my friends were out on the makeshift dance floor; Alli and Jenna were shaking their hips while Dave showed off some impressive dance skills. Eli and Adam were missing and I wondered what kind of trouble the two of them might be getting up to.

I headed back over to the bar, trying to decide if I would be okay if I had one more small glass of wine. As I deliberated I saw the tiny blonde girl trying to make a choice of her own, with a beer in one hand and a Coke in the other. "You don't have to drink if you don't want to," I reassured her. "Nobody cares about that here."

She smiled at me gratefully as she put the beer back in the cooler. "You're Clare, right?" She giggled nervously. "I mean, of course you're Clare, it's your birthday party. I'm sorry…I'm a little nervous." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "This is my first high school party."

I realized why she looked so familiar; she was Katie Matlin's little sister. "If it's any consolation, this is my first high school party too. You're Maya, right? I know your sister." Katie was the editor on the newspaper. She wasn't my favourite person in the world, but over the year I'd come to respect the hard work she put in to the job.

She grinned. "That's me. Katie told me to wish you a happy birthday. She would have come herself but well…" She nodded her head toward Drew and Bianca, still pawing each other in Bullfrog's chair.

"Who did you come here with?" I asked curiously. I didn't think that Eli would have known the Grade 9 girl.

"Adam invited me," she said. "That's okay, isn't it?"

"Of course," I said. "How do you know Adam?"

Her face lit up. "He and I are in this band together. WhisperHug."

Suddenly I had put the pieces together. Adam had been talking about a girl he'd had a crush on for a while but he had never mentioned her name. I was pretty sure the conversations had started right around the time he auditioned to be their bassist though.

"Oh right," I said. "I think he's mentioned that you're a really good cellist."

Maya looked pleased. "He talked about me? Wow, that's so awesome." She blushed. "I can't believe I just said that out loud."

"It's okay. I can keep a secret."

She looked around the room. "Hey, which one of these guys is Jake Martin? He's your stepbrother, right?"

I looked over at Jake, who was backing away from a conversation between K.C. and Jenna. "The tall one, in the plaid. Why, are you interested?" My heart sank as I'd hoped it was possible that Maya might return Adam's crush.

She looked coy. "It's not me who's interested." I raised my eyebrows at her implication. I wasn't sure I could really see Jake and Katie together, but I hoped that he would find someone who'd make him as happy as Eli had made me.

"Who's interested?" Adam asking, coming up behind her and putting his arm around her shoulder in a surprisingly slick move. Eli did the same to me and he and I exchanged amused glances. Adam's cheeks were bright red, and I wondered just how much he'd had to drink.

Maya smiled at him. "I'm interested…in dancing." She grabbed Adam by the hand and tugged him to the dance floor as he pretended to protest and shot Eli and I a huge grin over his shoulder.

The music was pretty loud and I wondered if we were disturbing anyone else. "Where are your parents, by the way?" I knew Cece and Bullfrog were pretty permissive, though Eli had told me they were much stricter now than they'd ever been before – which was hard for me to understand because they weren't even on the same planet as my parents when it came to rules.

"They decided the party would be more fun if they skipped town for the night," he explained. "Cece did leave a present for you though. I'll give it to you later."

My cheeks grew hot as I thought about what I had planned for us later that night and how his parents' absence could not have come at a better time. I was glad that they trusted Eli enough to let him through a party for me. I had been worried that his parents wouldn't accept me but after the first family dinner that I was invited to, it was clear that Eli was right – they were worried about him, not me.

Unfortunately, my mother had a similar reaction. It had taken a lot more than one family dinner to get her to trust Eli, and I was pretty sure I had Glen to thank for the fact that she had finally come around. She had even mentioned the possibility of bringing Eli up to the cabin with us this summer – provided that he slept in Jake's room, of course.

Eli took a step back from me and grabbed a Coke. "Not drinking?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I had one before. I'm not supposed to drink on my meds, so I'm not going to push it."

He sounded so mature and matter of fact about it that I couldn't help but give him a kiss. He tasted and smelled a little different than usual. "What did you drink?"

"Coke and whiskey," he said, smiling as he realized why I had asked him the question. "Do you like it?"

"I do," I whispered, leaning in to kiss him again.

A loud blaring pop song burst out of the stereo and we looked up to see that Alli had changed the music and cranked up the volume to interrupt our kiss. "Oh hell no," Eli said, charging across the room. "There will be no 'Call Me Maybe' in my house."

I sipped my wine and watched my friends dance after Eli selected a ballad on his Ipod. K.C. and Jenna were wrapped up in an embrace, and I wondered if just maybe the two of them had found a way to get back together despite everything they'd gone through.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. "I hate to kick the birthday girl out of her own party, but Alli and Jenna's curfew is rapidly approaching," Jake said.

I felt a thud in my chest as I realized that this party had not been part of my original plan. After our dinner, Eli was supposed to drop off Adam and then Alli, and then I was going to ask him to take me home with him. But now that Jake was here, using a sleepover at Alli's as a cover was not going to be a simple task.

"Oh, I can't leave yet," I said. "You go ahead. I'll have someone drop me off at Alli's once the party is over. Adam or Drew can take me."

Jake looked at me incredulously. "I don't know if you've noticed, but Adam and Drew are both shitfaced – and I'm pretty sure they walked over here so they wouldn't have to worry about driving home." A quick glance at the dance floor – Adam was slow dancing with Maya, his hands moving dangerously closer to her butt every moment – and the chair – where Drew's hands were clearly in places I did not want think about – confirmed his words.

"There's always the bus," I said, before backtracking at his alarmed look. "Or a cab. A cab's way safer at night. I've got money upstairs," I added weakly.

Jake stared at me. "You're going to spend the night here," he said, not even asking the question.

"No, I'm…Okay…you caught me. I'm going to spend the night here," I said slowly, hoping that Jake wouldn't make a scene. "I want to help Eli clean up and stuff. It'll just be easier."

"Clean up, my ass." He had the big brotherly protective face on but his kept his voice low. "Are you sure that you're ready for this?"

"Just because I'm spending the night here doesn't mean I'm…" I began, but I cut off at the look of disbelief on his face. "I'm ready," I told him honestly. "This isn't like…last time," I said awkwardly. We'd come so far since we'd dated that it almost made me sick to think I'd almost lost my virginity to him. "Eli and I…we're on the same page about this."

"Does he know?" Jake asked sharply, glaring across the room at my boyfriend, who was fortunately occupied with saying goodbye to Wesley, Connor and Hannah.

I shook my head. "I wanted to surprise him." Jake rolled his eyes. "Can you stop the protective brother routine and just be happy for me? I love him, Jake. You know that. And he's good for me. He makes me happy."

Jake's expression softened and I knew I had won the argument. Eli started to head back toward us and Jake leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Be safe," he warned.

"Don't tell my mom," I whispered back, and Jake nodded. I knew if anything went wrong tonight, Jake would cover for me.

"Eli," Jake said loudly, shaking his hand and going in for one of those one armed guy hugs. "Thanks for throwing this party for my little sister. I know it really made her happy," he said, looking directly at me as I glared at him for his condescending remark.

"Thanks bro," Eli said. "You heading out?" He gave me a disappointed look.

"Yeah, I promised Jenna and Alli I'd be their designated driver. See you Monday," Jake said, walking away from us. "Oh and Eli…enjoy your birthday present," he called over his shoulder.

I shot Jake a death glare. "What the hell is he talking about? And isn't he your ride?" Eli asked in confusion. "I'd drive you home, but I had that drink before." He misunderstood my expression and rushed to explain, "I'm not drunk – it would be safe – but if I got pulled over for some reason, I'd get in big trouble since I'm not 19 yet."

"Eli," I said softly, trying to get him to stop talking. Once his attention was fully on me, I leaned it and whispered in his ear. "I want to spend the night with you."

He looked surprised. "Oh! Well, sure, that's fine. I think people are starting to head out anyway, but you could crash here if you don't want to miss it."

"Eli," I chuckled. I couldn't believe he had completely missed the point. "I want to…_spend the night with you_ spend the night with you."

His jaw fell open in shock. "Oh," he said, almost in disbelief, before his face lit up. "Oh," he said more assuredly, a smile spreading across his face.

"Yeah," I confirmed, smiling back at him.

He looked like he had a million thoughts flashing across his face. "Do you think it would be rude to kick everyone out right now?"

"Yes," I said, laughing. "Let's just make the rounds and start saying goodnight and see how that goes."

He put his arm around me but pulled away after a moment to look at me. "Wait a second…when Jake told me to enjoy my birthday present…was this what he was referring to?"

I nodded in confirmation and Eli grimaced. "Sorry," I said. "Your surprise party ruined my alibi."

"Awkward."

I shrugged. "At least he isn't trying to beat you up to defend my virtue."

"I should have known better than to date a girl with an older brother," Eli joked. "I'm going to have to watch out at school on Monday. He's probably going to jump me."

"No he won't. I'll just tell him how wonderful you are."

"In bed?" Eli teased.

"We'll have to see about that."

We managed to stop kissing long enough to say goodbye to everyone, and I even managed to pick up a few of the stray cups and plates lying around the room before Eli came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Can we go up to my bedroom now? I don't really want to make love to you for the first time on the couch."

"I never thought you'd be Mr. Traditional," I teased, trying to cover up my nerves. It was one thing to couch the conversation in euphemisms and another when he directly said the words. But as nervous as I was, I had to admit that hearing him say "make love" sent tingles down my spine.

He looked at me tenderly. "I just want everything to be perfect for you."

"Don't," I said softly, continuing despite the look of hurt on his face. "That's too much pressure. It doesn't have to be the perfect first time." I thought about how I had tried that once before, and how epically I had failed. "It just needs to be you and me."

I interlocked our fingers and he smiled before tugging on my hand. I managed to snag my purse from the dining room on the way up to his room.

It was still a mess by any reasonable standards, but it obvious that Eli had come a long way since the first time he'd shown me his room. With my help and Cece's, Eli had started to throw out certain things that were clearly unnecessary, and moved many of the items he couldn't bear to part with into a stack of large Rubbermaid tubs.

"Sorry," he said, as he tried to untangle the sheets on his unmade bed. "I wasn't really expecting this." I noticed that his hands were shaking and I moved over to still his actions and took his hand in mine.

"Hey," I said softly. "If you aren't ready to do this…"

"I'm ready," he confirmed instantly and I couldn't help but laugh at how rapidly he was able to switch his mood to eagerness. "I'm just a little nervous."

"Shouldn't I be the nervous one?" I put my hands on his shoulders, smoothing over his chest. He shrugged and I stood on my toes to give him a kiss. "It's just one last step," I reminded him. "We've done everything else so many times. It might be my first time having sex with you but I already know what it's like to kiss you and hold you and feel your skin against mine. I know how it feels when your fingers are inside me," I continued with a bravery I didn't know I had. "I know that so many times I've wanted to beg you to stop holding back and make love to me like I've been dreaming about. This isn't the first time I've wanted you, Eli…and it won't be the last."

His eyes closed at my speech and I moved my hand to the collar of his shirt, slipping a button through the hole in hopes of undressing him. But he stilled my hands and I looked at him wide-eyed, wondering if there was something I was missing.

"Just one thing," he began. "And then I promise you I will stop holding back."

He bent down and opened up the drawer in his nightstand, digging around for something.

"I've got condoms," I offered, and he laughed.

"Jeez, you're anxious."

He pulled out a small unwrapped box. "Do we really have to open birthday presents now?" I asked. As much I was telling Eli this wasn't that big of a deal, it was, and I really wanted to stop talking and start…well…doing.

"It's not a birthday present," he explained. "I've got one of those downstairs. You can open that in the morning."

I looked at him curiously as I opened up the box. I found a claddagh ring, identical to the one I had on my left finger. When I removed it from the box, I saw the difference. Instead of the "Pure Hearts Wait" that my current ring had inscribed, this ring said, "Forever and Always."

"I thought you could wear this instead," Eli said. "That way your mother won't know, and no one at school will say anything. It took me a while to find an exact match but I think this is really close." He leaned in and kissed my neck. "I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to sleep with you, Clare. I would shout it from the rooftops if I could. But this means it can be something just for us."

The gesture was beautiful and his words meant more to me than he could ever know. I slipped the old ring off my finger and replaced it with the new one. But I placed the old ring into the box and held it in my hand. I knew that my decision to have sex with Eli was the right one for me, but I took a moment to reflect on the girl I used to be, who wore that ring proudly.

"Thank you," I said softly. "I'm going to wear this for a very long time." The romantic in me thought that if I were really lucky, that someday Eli might replace this very ring with an engagement ring. I shook the box a little in my open palm. "I'm going to hang on to this one though." Eli nodded – and I knew that he of all people would understand the weight an object can hold in memories.

I placed it on his nightstand and gave him a soft smile before leaning in for a gentle kiss. His hand cradled my face as he returned the kiss carefully.

In the last few months, Eli and I had experienced a lot together physically. From tentative "getting to know you" kisses to bruising passionate makeouts where he pressed me against a wall. He'd left marks over my skin, from my neck to my collarbone to my inner thigh. We'd given each other slow and sexy kisses, pressing our naked chests against each other for hours, not rushing to get to the end, but we'd also had nights of passion where we'd barely closed to the door to his bedroom before we were fumbling with hooks and buttons and elastic bands, each of us competing to see who could bring the other to the brink of ecstasy the quickest.

This was like all of that, but at the same time, like something completely new, something uniquely us. Our kisses were slow, sensual, erotic, but our hands just couldn't stop moving – grazing, stroking, grasping. I was on top, enjoying the amount of control I possessed, until he flipped us over, pushing his hips into mine as my head fell back against his pillow. We knew we had all night; there wasn't any rush, so we were content to enjoy each step, pushing forward only when frustration and desire told us it was time.

Eli was the first to get me undressed – as he always was – slipping my dress over my head and tugging on the strap of my bra. "Black, eh?" he teased appreciatively. I hadn't gone overboard this time – no special lunchtime lingerie purchase – but I'd tried to pick out undergarments that were flattering and matching for the occasion.

"I know it's your favourite." He proved it by planting a row of kisses down the line of the bra, starting at my shoulder and working deep into my cleavage. I took advantage of the fact that he wasn't pressed against me as tightly as he was before to unbutton his shirt and rid him of the garment. His guitar pick necklace was cold as it dangled against my breast. His mouth pressed into my neck, his fingers making quick work of my bra as my body arced off the bed

It wasn't long before his fingers hooked into the elastic of my underwear and slid them down my legs. They made an almost irritatingly slow journey back up, as Eli skimmed my ankles and calves sensually before he reached my inner thighs. He swallowed my moan with a kiss as his reached his target, two fingers easily slipping inside and his thumb pressing against my clit.

I could tell he wanted to keep touching me until I shrieked his name and shuddered under him but that wasn't what I wanted tonight. I pushed his hand away. "I'm ready," I announced, surprising even myself with the authority I commanded.

"But I want to make you come," Eli whined, trailing his wet fingers over my stomach and back toward his goal.

"I don't care about that tonight. I just want to be with you." He gave me a pouty lip and I leaned up to kiss it. "You can make me come tomorrow," I said blushing. It was much easier for me to do these things than it was for me to talk about them.

"Promise?" he asked.

"I promise."

He grinned. "Maybe I can make it happen tonight anyway." He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"Maybe," I smiled, though I was skeptical that would be possible. Alli and I had talked a lot about this, and she'd said she thought it would be impossible the first time around and based on the stories Jenna had told her, it didn't seem all that easy later on either. But I knew Eli loved me and would be really committed to making sure I enjoyed myself. I wasn't expecting it to happen this first time, but I was sure in the future, he'd do everything in his power to take me along with him.

I pushed on his shoulders so I could sit up and surprised him by pushing him onto his back and climbing on top of him. "You, my love, are overdressed." I straddled his thighs, undoing his pants with well-practiced hands. I tugged them down his legs, taking his boxers with them, as I was really starting to get anxious about getting this going.

Instead of climbing back on top of him, I lay down next to him, facing the ceiling. I could feel his eyes on me. "Are you okay?" he asked. "We don't have to do this, you know."

"I want to," I said plainly, linking our hands together. "I just…can you…?..." I let out a deep breath. "I've never done this part before."

He seemed to understand what I was getting at. "Would you like me to put a condom on now?"

I nodded, knowing my voice would be unsteady. The nerves I had managed to suppress earlier had taken hold of me. I tried to put on a brave face because I knew Eli would never sleep with me if he had even the slightest doubt that this was what I wanted. It didn't really make me feel any more confident when he turned back toward me, his familiar penis looking very different than I was used to, wrapped in latex.

"Clare," he began again and I knew he was going to try to suggest we could wait once more – which was exactly what I didn't want.

"Eli…I want this more than anything," I reassured him. "I just need you to take the lead."

A smirk appeared on his face. It was a very familiar sight but one I wasn't quite expecting to see in this moment. "That I can do," he teased in a sexy voice. Then he leaned down and captured my lips. His kiss was deep and desperate and passionate and his hands started moving over me and – God – I couldn't believe he was making me feel this way. His confident movements were making me feel so comfortable and full of desire, and though he made no movement toward entering me, it was all I wanted him to do.

"Eli, now," I begged, spreading my legs as I thrust underneath him.

His movements slowed but he did as I asked, gently entering me, using his hand to help guide him. It definitely hurt – but less than I was expecting – and then pain was gone in just a second. It was still uncomfortable, for me at least. Eli's face was twisted in pleasure and though he was usually pretty quiet even in the heat of passion, he let out a loud moan.

"Clare," he groaned. He kept moving once he'd entered me completely but limited himself to gentle pulses, barely thrusting to give me a chance to get used to how it felt. He was holding himself up over me, and I placed a hand on the small of his back to pull him closer.

"Kiss me," I whispered. His tongue met mine before his lips did, and things got more intense. His fingers tugged on my nipple and I realized that things were feeling less uncomfortable than they had. I ripped my lips from his and whispered into his ear, "More."

Even though this was the first time we'd had sex, Eli just seemed to know exactly what I needed. His hips moved into mine, just a little bit harder and a little bit faster. It was enough that I was feeling the difference but not too much that I was feeling any pain.

"Is this good?" Eli asked, in a tone that made it clear I didn't have to ask him that question.

"Yeah…I love you." I ran my fingers through his hair before dragging them against the skin of his back.

"Fuck, I love you too." I giggled at his words. Even though I usually hated when he cursed, it seemed appropriate for this situation. "I'm not going…to last much longer," he sputtered out, his breath hitching. "Are you close?"

"Not really," I admitted. "But it's okay. I want to make you come too, you know."

He reached down to where we were joined and strummed against my clit, but he was too close and I wasn't close enough. A minute later he was gasping and thrusting harder than he had before. The uncomfortable feeling was back even though I knew Eli hadn't intended to hurt me, but it only lasted a few seconds before Eli pulled out. He flopped down on the pillow next to me, breathing heavily.

"Oh my God," he said. "That was…you're so…Fuck."

"Language, Eli," I reminded him, snuggling up next to him.

He put his arm around me and my hand wrapped around his stomach. "Happy Birthday to me," he joked.

I scowled. "Please don't bring up my stepbrother when we're both naked and post-coital."

"Post-Coital?" Eli raised an eyebrow. "There's an SAT word for you. No standardized test words while we're in bed please, Edwards."

"Oh yeah," I challenged, grinning at him. "Then what would you call it?"

The look he gave me was completely serious. "I call it love."


End file.
